wait for it..

I wonder what these blue walls will have to offer. Other than teaching me how to sleep. Other than a slow introduction to proper breathing. Other than lifting my little bubble of light up to the clouds I've come to adore so. Crack my bones and scrape my imagination off of the walls, and don't forget to call me a good little girl.

Melanie Martinez - Toxic

realisation

I have a recurring tendency to use the word "realisation" quite frequently, bearing the meaning of acquiring certain information with the appearance of being closer to the truth. I now use it as a title bearing the meaning of ideas living in my head having materialized in the world around me. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am writing this, sitting in a blue-walled room: my study.

Whilst dwelling on stuff people have dreamt up coming true, I like to bear in mind the theory of the universe being the Fulfiller* of wishes; and the extremely humorous approach it takes to our humanly formulation of them. I'll admit that things never take form in the way I imagine them to, but where would be the fun in that? If I were to believe in a higher power, it would be this sentient universe with the best (if widely put) intentions in "mind".
While it is thoroughly charming, my honest take on this and other esoteric theories is similar to my take on God - with no personal evidence in support of or against them, I will choose to temporarily believe what I find makes the most sense to me as well as makes life most becoming to my eyes.

Though I daresay that I began this entry with the intention to voice the realisation (in my primary sense of the word) of my making the majority of my decisions overall based on doubt.
Doubt has two main functions in my psyche: one is completing a set of scars left from the crippling and not wholly eradicated insecurity belonging to me; the other is as a safety net, going hand in hand with indecisiveness and fear and not leading in any particularly useful direction.
I find that those two functions were much more convincing when my aforementioned wishes weren't so palpably coming true, so now I ask of my reasoning: WHO'SYERFUDGENQUEENNOW

*hint hint RICE BOY

A summer full of rain

Fleet Foxes - Tiger Mountain Peasant Song (First Aid Kit cover)

a couple last times

watching the world turn from the seats in our heads

chewing on our memories, trying to suckle the last of it out
before they fade away: uncomfortably sincere
au revoir

Regina - How

vox animae, hiatus kaiyote

Hannah, my darling,

I will follow you into the sunrise on the desert sky,
we fly, rise together with our hearts upon our sleeve for all to see,
we two will breathe,

aqua queen of vast distance between us,

heart sails with love for you, I... love you, I.. love you, I do..

love you, I.. love you, I.. love you, I do.

Nakamarra, sweet, red earth will hold you

like the strength you bless to me, true, we engage humility,

watch me struggle with your words however truthful they may be
we'll see, in time, opening our hearts and nurturing our minds to shine
I love you, I.. love you, I.. love you, I do.
love you, I.. love you, I.. love you, I do, whoo!

Oh, it sets our hearts to fire, sweet you and I.. honey, don't you!

know, it sets our heart to fire, sweet you and I.. honey, don't you!

know, we two will pulse in through this light.. honey, don't you!

know, we two will pulse, I'll always

love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

Love you, I do
love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

Love you, I do

Hannah, my darling,

I will follow you into the sunrise on the desert sky,
we fly, rise together with our hearts upon our sleeve for all to see,

we, too, will breathe,

aqua queen of vast distance between us,

heart sails with love for you, I.. love you, I.. love you, I do..
love you, I.. love you, I.. love you, I do.

Oh, it sets our hearts to fire, sweet you and I.. honey, don't you!

know, it sets our heart to fire, sweet you and I.. honey, don't you!

know, we, too, will pulse in through this light.. honey, don't you!

know, we, too, will pulse, I'll always

love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

Love you, I do
love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

Love you, I do

Ye yeah, ye yeah, ye yeah-yeah.. Ye yeah, ye yeah, ye yeah-yeah..

Ye yeah, ye yeah, ye yeah-yeah.. Ye yeah, ye yeah, ye yeah-yeah..

"everything you eat is poison"

real, self-sustained warmth

It seems to me that it's one of those days. I feel inexplicably tangible. Like I'm more present somehow. A couple days ago, I realised I've never really seen myself as a real thing when I see my reflection in the mirror. So I tried that, and it was as if my skin suddenly had colour.
I'll think on that.

I think I'm coming to terms with my fucked-up sense of closeness.
Though what time it will take to be truly comfortable with all that, I don't know.
It's getting simpler. Y'know, like, chill, man, chill.

For now I'm doing that delicate self-destruction thing, and loving it..
I'm thankful for having wonderful people around me. Truly - thanks, guys.

Love

It's all you want, in the end.
It's all I want.

To be loved. Be be able to love.

It's saddening to realise too late that you've been giving your all to one person, pushing everything else away, because at that moment, nothing else really mattered. It's saddening to see them grow distant, care less and eventually stop caring.
People change, and the things you believed in get taken away from you, and then you're left empty, lonely, and helpless. So you hurt for a while. And it's more real than anyone else will let you believe, because no one can really help you. You may despair. You may spends endless, sleepless nights remembering an exquisitely gentle caress, a truly heartfelt kiss or a long-lost smile. You may not remember the last day you didn't cry, because it's so fucking hard to believe that something so good, days so happy could turn into.. This.
Still, later, you realise that no one can really help you, except yourself. That doesn't make things easier. But you'd be forsaking yourself if you didn't at least try.

Your world spins. It gets darker.
You will have to go through hell to find the light again.
Just try to trust me when I say it's there.

i've been going through

..through the past, and I'm actually liking the present
but gosh, all the things
man, I didn't realise how much GOOD I had before, I was better
I didn't know how different things could be
bitterness is so cold..

DISTRACTION

Update: what if the past catches up with me?

homecoming

 So, after about half a year of turmoil, I will be moving back into the Mežaparks house. With my arrival, I will be bringing with me a flurry of renovating, designing, personalising, sorting, and a lot of other things. I hope that giving the house a new energy will contribute to the hope of us not having to sell.










Also, stockings. I need stockings.
*looks distractedly off into the distance*

want

(Birdy - "Wings")

adventure.
beautiful, beautiful people on an adventure

nothing nothing

(Everything Everything - "Cough Cough")

The ISP

They walk among us, in great numbers. They are us.
The Incredibly Sad People.
The ISP.

"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of his at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad."
 - Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

This same guy also said "You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness." There are the ISP who are like the man from the story, who lie to themselves for the sake of illusion of the past. There are also those who lie to themselves for the sake of illusion of the future. They know they are sad, they admit it freely, at least part of the time, they will feel it all for the sake of the glimmers of happiness they may capture throughout the day. Brief, but serene, especially on the background of everyday sorrow. It might be better, this way, as they may learn this way. It might be better someday.