hate the dischord

It makes me feel alien. Most of my larger fuck-ups seem to be doing something that upsets principles pointing at things I don't see. I'm not sure how unique I am in deeming what I think of someone much more closely tied to the person themselves instead of the gestures they make, yet here I find myself on my ass, again.

I'm not claiming innocence through ignorance - there are plenty of selfish, petty, cruel actions I can sign my name under. I have been greedy, thoughtless, hypocritical, stupid.
And in the end, on top of all that, I fucking dare to love you all all the same, regardless of how harsh the words have been, regardless of how much we've hurt each other.

Another experience that isn't new to me is finding myself trying to prove to someone that I care. People seem to be mostly in two camps when it comes to this - there are those who say I think way too much of the well-being of others, and those who seem convinced I am incapable of giving a single fuck about them.
She's taken things a step further, claiming that I gather people around me for exploitation, for entertainment. Claiming that my voiced or demonstrated emotions are false, empty. That my only hope of regaining her respect is to admit that I couldn't care less.

And of course I can't help but wonder if she's right, to harbor lingering little doubts about everything I hold dear. But all I know is how I feel. I believe in these things mulling around in my chest, what else am I supposed to do? I've got my pretty little philosophies, I made these pretty little philosophies, it took a lot of hard fucking work to get here, alright? They're not non-editable, but some structures do, indeed, seem to have remained constant for enough time to make me dare to lean on them. I haven't the foggiest idea how make them comprehensible to those I have to prove myself to.

It does sound like a load of b-s.

Dark Dark Dark - "Daydreaming"