the show must go on

Esmu izlēmusi - (šie vārdi skan ironiski, tīrā fantastika) - BET, jā, esmu izlēmusi klausīt tai beznosacījuma mīlestībai, kas manī virmo. Kļūt pat vienu no tiem "free love" cilvēciņiem; lai gan, nē, jo, godā vārds, līdz nelabumam apriebušās visas definīciju kastītes. (miskuzī for being deep) Vienīgā kastīte, kuru esmu gatava savai nostājai uzlikt, ir "Emma". Ja lieku ko citu, es automātiski adaptējos un reizē eju pretējā virzienā tam, kur vēlos nokļūt. Uz domām, ka šī ir pozitīva izvēle, mani mudina fakts, ka visi centieni noskaidrot, kas tad īsti notiek, un centieni notiekošo ievirzīt kaut kā pēdējā mēneša laikā ir bijuši neveiksmīgi, un ne tikai neveiksmīgi, bet arī pietiekami destruktīvi, lai mani iebiedētu. Atkārtojos, kad saku, ka man riebjas sāpināt.

Varbūt liekas riskanti ieņemt tādu pārliecību (man arī, starp citu), bet varētu teikt, ka man ir 'hunch', ka tas ir tas, uz ko jāiet, or fucking else: pat velk uz to, ka ir pēdējais brīdis lauzties arā no pagātnes. I mean, protams, ka tas ir riskanti, bet ko var darīt, ja apkārtesošie cilvēki ir tik brīnumjauki, ka vēlos tos izzināt un iemīlēt? Uz šīs nots no sirds pateicos par pēcballītes rītu, mīļie. Jūtu nenormālu siltumu pret jums, un nevēlos šo siltumu ierobežot. Nebūtu smuki pret sevi, un ceru, ka ne tikai.

Šo padarīšanu nebūt nepielīdzinu kāda iekšējā zvēra palaišanai brīvībā, bet gan izaugsmei, vēlmei pārkāpt savam ego. Tas būs īsts pārbaudījums, ņemot vērā cik sistemātiski un ļoti mēdzu pieķerties cilvēkiem. Bet vismaz greizsirdība vairs neliekas tik būtiska problēma. Varbūt šo saku par ātru. Kā nekā ceru uz šī monstriņa iedzīšanu kaut kur aizkrāsnē.
Otrs monstrinš, reizē ļaunāks un labāks, ir sevis upurēšana citu priekam. Tas diezgan ačgārni ir izpaudies tieši attiecību sfērā, bet joprojām pie problēmu skanēm ostās.

Ja seko man tviterī, iespējams, zini, ka nespēju paraudāt. Jau kādu laiciņu. Tas man traucē. It kā tās attiecīgi provocējošās sāpes nepārsneidz vienu konkrētu punktu, un līdz asarām es vienkārši nenonāku. Ir aizdomas, ka tas ir kādas pašizveidotas barjeras dēļ, bet cik veselīgu funkciju šī barjera pilda, man nav zināms.
par sāpošiem pleciem

stulbene, stulbenis

The Handsome Family - Far From Any Road

Ah,

These last two days. Joy, joy, joy.
Tuesday was sorting music and meeting Rob & Miks for a little bit, getting my sister her replacement rum, then off to work that included burnt fingers and nearly botched lemon cake, the one Matīss on the piano and the other Matīss between four personalities, an adventure shared with Laura involving birch juice and ants and lots of giggling. She also caught Bon Iver's song "For Emma" on her playlist, more joy ensues. Then M~ tried to be threatening and ask for coffee at the same time, and somehow we ended up walking to my place and seeing the aurora on the way. Breathtaking.
Wednesday was a lot of honest conversation, sunshine and duck drama. I was going to have an english lesson, but it had been forgotten about, so I ended up visiting the honorary owner of the elephant glass a few hours earlier than I would have, which was just as well, because it turned out to be one of those nights with an endless exchange of information, be it songs or tea or documented memories of a trip around Europe. Or, or, seeing "La Grande Bellezza" - a truly amazing movie. Earnest was seeing it for the 8th freaking time.
Today promises to be lovely as well.
I want to write more, but I have to go. All my love to you guys.

Quantic - Time Is The Enemy

I am

sorting my entire music library. Yes.

this includes all of dad's music, so there is a shit-ton to go through

but I'm doing it, and it's going to be awesome

inevitably, forgotten gems pop up here and there

Blue Roses - Doubtful Comforts

well, fuck this

always, every goddamn time, it's a mess

and the past isn't real anymore, but the guilt-trips are

makes me feel emotionally dysfunctional - the scales are always tipping waay to one side; and then the other; and then they start spinning and fuck off to god knows where

millions of provocations, you know, the kind where you mean it, but not really

actions, reactions; fuck you, Einstein

yeah, I'm not dead either. sorry about the bruise

confessions

Hah, my confessions? Nope. Sucker.

Those of other people.
And even so, that's all you're gonna get.

I woke up about 20 minutes ago, after having fallen into this disorienting something that I hesitate to call actual sleep. I guess the past week or so has been tiring after all, despite all the elation. Seemingly unrelated to what's been happening as of late. All the same, I've been living some sort of dream. Stayed 5 nights away from home. Left my umbrella on the tram when finally going back. It's been said I need a stash of booze in my room. I agree.
The poem below was written during a modelling session for Gints, those have all been lovely. Beer and oranges. Thought I can't say for sure, but I'm thinking it's a good one. Anyhow, I like it.

Gus, if you're reading this - I'd like to have you know that I'm happy. Really fucking happy, in fact. Which I hadn't expected. Don't take it the wrong way, though. Eh.

this song is sex

"Easy" - Son Lux, ft. Lorde

tingling limbs

It has fallen asleep

A small spasm - I am awake

As the blood courses through my veins

I feel it become part of me again

Dare I move a muscle -

The tiny white stars are there to greet me

A paralytic, back from the dead

Reattaching the slumbering limbs to my body

Hours have passed like minutes

And consciousness - like a stray drop of rain

Trickling down

Towards some unidentifiable abyss

..which is probably warm

Like the colour of an orange,

Or the taste of good beer,

A lost lover's gaze

It has fallen asleep

A small spasm - I am awake.

a tendency to spiral

Šodien, liekas, noraudāju visu uz acīm uzkrāsoto. Biju pacentusies un izskatījos dikti smuki, tādēļ bija nepieciešami vairāki piegājieni dienas garumā. Sāk likties, ka šī un blakusesošās nosodītās padarīšanas ir karmiska atriebība par visādām pagātnes stulbībām. Bet - kaut kā viss vēl nav beidzies, (gan labajā, gan sliktajā nozīmē). Asaras aizstāj spekulēšana par kūku cepšanu.
Skumjas un bailes ir devušas iedvesmu projektā likt sēriju par raudošiem cilvēkiem.
Ceturtdien pirmo reiz kopš vasaras satikšu Katrīnu viņas iemīļotajā Index Cafē.
Priecājos par šī paragrāfiņa très smuko, gandrīz netīšām radīto labo pusi. c:

*ne uz visiem ekrāniem tā ir smuka. fak.

excitement & adverbs

NOWNESS is a channel I just started looking into, and I got pulled in by a series of five videos called "Define Beauty". http://youtu.be/z_wea5P6EuY
Numbers 2 & 3 in particular brought me back to the inspiration I had when I first wanted to make those silly interview videos, lacking the foggiest idea of what I wanted to bring out of them. Except for fascination with, and attention to detail, but I hadn't the means to carry the message out. I still don't, but the idea has come into focus, and that's the kind of focus that brings meaning, if only for a moment, to simple everyday action, so fuck. yes.

So, here goes: the concept of "humanity" has long since been lovely to me, and I want to get in on what each person feels they contribute to it. In the already existing (and exceedingly clumsy) interviews, I asked my subject an unorthodox question, or a series of questions, hoping to capture something of an essence in they way this person thought or spoke. I want to continue this, adding a certain scrutiny - focusing on physical details, vocal patterns, eye movements, all these things that make each person inexcusably, grittily, and captivatingly human.
Questions are also just one aspect. To thought and speech I'll add a myriad of other experiences, anything that will catch my fancy, really. All of this seems so broad, I know, but I'll be asking for people who are willing to SUFFER FOR MY ART to enable me to make stuff I think is beautiful. Is it unnecessary to add that the first victims will be my dear friends? :3

Quite a few things seem to have led up to this moment, like seeing "Fur", a not-quite-documental movie about the photographer Diana Arbus with Līga, (and participating in a project of her fancy, tee-hee,) then agreeing to be one of the models for Henriete's vision..

For each "interview", I'll want to focus on again, a concept, but by indulging in the whole "it's the little things" thing. E.g. - hands. Hands are absolutely ridiculously wondrous. The turn of the wrist, the lines on the palms, the shape of each fingernail, the tendons moving underneath the skin, and all the things they can do, oh my.
~post scriptum~ other awesome stuff is happening right now and I am really, really happy 

♥

Today had a shitty start. Miscommunication with strangers has been pissing me off as of late, so I've decided to stay home all day, attempt to work, attempt to write, maybe finish off Bastion. Can't help but envy Henriete a little bit, in her top-floor old town apartment, with no net and no shower, and post-party glitter scattered fucking everywhere. Camera snapping away.

Since I didn't post this yesterday, this isn't going to be a cryptic reference with song & title only, but fuck that. The organ above is dedicated to the scene the music invariably paints in my head. And maybe, just maybe, a person.

Foo Fighters - Still

Kaspars ir Krievija.

Un mans "spirit animal" ir dižsusurs, kā mani informēja Ieva III.

One of the numerous perks my room has is that I get the morning sun. As I did this (yesterday) morning, and guess what, this is the kind of shine that has actual warmth in it. I sat in that little spot for around ten minutes, being all happy and shit.

Beidzot biju pie Inesītes, kura, izrādās, grib dot mūsu stundās rakstītās dziesmas savam Bolderājas ansamblim. Tas mani glaimo un priecē.

Un rīt (šodien) satieku Henrieti, lai īstenotu fotosesiju, kurai es pati pieteicos. Kādēļ? Ne jau tagad es nožēloju savu lēmumu, bet es nevaru teikt, ka tam redzu iemeslu. 

I could have sworn I heard some very faint whistling just then. The neighbour's TV was on, so they may be the culprits. All the same, creepypasta's come to mind way to easily.

iron man

Pēdējā mēneša/divu laikā bieži vien izvēlējos pirkt nevis klepu-zālēm līdzīgo šķidrumu, kura balansē hemoglobīna līmeni manās asinīs, bet gan alkoholu. Atkārtotajam lēmumam iemelsi bija šādi - maz naudas & gribas socializēties (ne tā, kā to dara Kaspars); mans apzinīgums, nauda un aptieka parasti neatrodas vienā laikā un vietā; vēlējos veikt tādu kā eksperimentu, lai pārliecinātos, kā šī "dzira" mani ietekmē. Lai gan, protams, to nespēju apgalvot pilnībā objektīvi, liekas, ka tiešām ir labāk ar nekā bez.
And about the booze - jēgu nepārdzēru, vienīgais "labums" tāds, ka palielināju savu toleranci.

And right now I can count ..seven? people who have honestly surprised me with confessions of their feelings for me. Not necessarily romantic, but it seems that I tend to underestimate the way I affect people. But see, even writing that sounds pretentious. Guess I should practice seeing naivety/naïveté all charming again. /ˈænʒənuː/ for the win.

whoo

Gonna cry myself to sleep tonight.