changechangechange

People change. Times change. Smells change. Nothing really smells like the past anymore. Whiffs of it are rare, very rare. Meh.

Some force of evil is also quite intent on erasing all my music. (have mercy)

There are several things I could write about, but none of them really feel.. worthy of it wouldn't be right, but they just don't need to be put down on paper, or a screen. And yet I type. What about? Too much or too little? 

My shoulder has found a new way of being cracked. Yay, now I can freak people out.
As if I didn't crack enough already. 

I hate letting people down. I guess I don't hate being let down, though, then I'm just disappointed. Or miserable. Or something. We all go on. Cheers. (:
Too gullible or too cautious? Anyone to trust? Yes? No? ...hello? 

STOP IT!!!

Everybody, seriously, what is the fucking point?? I mean, you're ALIVE, you can DO things, you can be HAPPY!! HAPPY, YOU HEAR ME?? You can dance, you can see, you can fall in love, all of that, anything, just choose, will you? You can LIVE. Enjoy it all. Break out of your cages, rip off your collar, NOTHING can hold you back. Your wrists might bleed, the pills might be tempting, the sorrow might be addictive, the pain might be delicious, but you don't need that. Please. I can't help all of you. You have no idea how much I want to, but I can't. In the end, it's you. You. Your choice. YOU can do this. Be happy.

(Sea Of Love by Cat Power)

Scales.

The scales of life.. and the fish scales I have in a plastic bag.
I've realized I enjoy teaching. I'm a teacher. Christ. Still unofficially, private lessons for an 11 year old boy.
But somehow, it destroys everything I believed in as a child.
I really must remember a lot of things. I hadn't realized how useful calendars were until now. That's for the people and the meetings and all that. I have to remember to find the little guitar boy. To buy C vitamins. To bring the match-boxes with pollen in them to two girls. To watch Donnie Darko. To decide whether I need allergy pills or not. To get introduced to the new kitten in our country house. To, possibly, save a life.

Karlīna.

To give you a small insight into my life at the moment.
Music all around, skipping in the snow when I think no one sees me, small moments of regret and doubt, thinking too much about people, knowing very well when to say some things and not at all when to say the ones of that kind of consequence. I am happily bewildered, somehow confident, with a couple of aches in my heart. Do visit us soon, you could join the wednesday of this life's week, if you wish.

(Kimbra - "Settle Down")

04:12

A wonderful time for typing.
Gotta admit, though, I have terrible timing for choosing which nights to stay up. I'll be getting about 4 and a half hours of sleep. That is, if I go to bed now.
I'm not sure how to trust people, especially those who suddenly appear and then seem to trust me all at once. I don't know what to do with this. If it is genuine. If it isn't, well, then I hope I'm smart enough to spot it.
 I'm waiting for an awful lot of events. It might not be a good thing.

Emī, this one's for you.
Yemaya.

(you're not alone.)

A letter to a friend.

"Čau atkal. 
Sajūta, ka kādam vajadzēja kaut ko gari uzrakstīt neliek mierā. Kaut kā vajag kaut ko dabūt laukā no prāta. Vai vismaz pievērt tam uzmanību. Es vairs nezinu, kā domāt. Es vēlos būt laimīga, un es zinu vairākas paslinkākas takas, pa kurām es varētu pabradāt.. kā arī, es vēlos palīdzēt pasaulei, palīdzēt cilvēkiem, bet tad dalīties ar pieredzi ir par maz, tad man ir jābūt informētai, un es cenšos.. Ir intelektuālais, skeptiskais ceļš, kas noliedz smalkās sajūtas, tad ir uzticamības ceļš, pa kuru ejot man ir jāaizver acis, bet man ir bail ieskriet sienā. To ceļu no vienas puses varētu saukt par naivo. Ir pazemīgais ceļš, uz kura ejot, es ziedoju sevi vājiem, akliem, stulbiem, atstumtiem.. Ir brīvais ceļš, kur jāmēģina viss pēc kārtas, ir jāuzzin, ko spēj darīt cilvēka prāts un ķermenis, ir jāriskē, adrenalīns, bailes, ekstāze, viss.. Ir arī pohujistiskais ceļš, kur tiešām viss ir pie vienas vietas, es daru ko, kur un kā gribu.. bet tas jau sāk līdzināties lielceļam, pa kuru ripinās simtiem, tūkstošiem.. utt.. 
Un tad es varu pa drusciņai no visa, bet es nevēlos griezties uz vietas. Esmu apjukusi."

..and the answer.. 

"apstājies.
sirdij vajag laiku
ieklausīties / sajust
mentāli viss aizved pie dentālām problēmām... 
-kad realitātes acis saduras tevī un šķeļās tavas vienestības maigās dūnas~~

Klausies sevī-ko patiesi vēlies... ko sirdī kā siltu cerību turi sapni savu tad nu buri elpas izelpās~~ 
no miera no sapņa

ar sirds gribu budistu mūki ceļās un realitate saveļās lidojošajā paklājā~~
ja tevi vada tīra sirds vēlme tad tavi ceļi ir tiesi

un pūrisms^ būs tavs tūrisms

om shanti (: "

...~...

"Apstājusies... nu, to es izdarīju, un sāku iet lēnāk, es esmu bijusi novērotājas lomā, bet pilnībā apstāties neuzdrīkstos.. 
es vēlos uzticēties savām vēlmēm pietiekami, lai es drīkstētu vēlēties. 

Vai tad realitātes acīm nav brilles? Lai saredzētu visu, visu, skaidrāk, Optiski. 

Paldies par mieru."

...~...

"brilles tik noskaņo uz viļņa~~
viļņu ir daudz......

izvēlies pati kuru vēlies
un tas tu esi!

ļaujies piedzīvojumiem...
šī ir tava dzīve! un viss ko patiesi vēlies ir piepildīts
jo nav duālisma Dieva sirdī un laiks tik zootrops pēc tavas gribas. 

sirds jau Zina kad prātam tik saprast gribas...

-šis ir katram pašam lēciens no kraujas
cik uzdrīksties/ ļaujies sirds vieglumā lidot vai domakmeņu smagumā krist
dzelmē pazūd laiks..
un tik roka maiga pieskārienā atgriež dzīvību pulsēt spārniem un celties~~
iemīlēties..."

...~...

"Ak, un es beidzot varu ievilkt, TO elpu. To vieglumu, smagumu, atvieglojumu. Īstais paldies."

I feel strange.

(The Doors - "People Are Strange")

"Vasarā."

Well. I am honored, and flattered, to be the one you chose to spend you last day here with.
I've known you for about 6 days, and you've already become quite dear to me.
Today was quite lovely, with the snow and the roaming and talking.. See you in the summertime.

(Thom Yorke - "Last Flowers" from the basement)

This moment of silence...

..is a good one, though. I didn't really know how to, or whether you expected me to fill it.. but..
it allows some things that filling it wouldn't. Glad to know you're doing well.

A new life.

With new dreams. And new people. And new trouble. And new.. whining. About all the unfair things.
(..so fuckin', goddamn cu-) Life! Why did you decide on these complications? (I mean, look  - just look at-)
WHY did you decide to show me what I could want, just to let me know how far away it actually is? (whiiine) Because it is quite far away. And time is ticking. And .. and.. thoughts.

And a few shambles of my thoughts.
Artelis. beautiful. and her voice, and the bass, and the fukken drums.. Lampa. O.o
Why are these guys skittish of hugs? except for him.
"Nu jā, bet es cilvēku satieku otru reizi mūžā.. "
 in thoughts - "Bet Čūbi, es tevi taču zinu veselu mūžību!"
Siblings. Laura ir actually really nice.
"Nu bet kāda tev atšķirība vai tev ir vai nav uz rokām .."
*laughs* "Kārli, to pieraksti pie plusiem - māk apieties ar bērniem."
"Ko tu sēdi un meditē?"
banksy
"Tu jauki smejies."

Pathecticity.

The problem with
fun and lovely and original things is that everybody likes
fun and lovely and original things, and eventually, the
fun and lovely and original things become known, and then - mainstream. That's why we can't have

fun and lovely and original things.

hm. (:

Staying up late leads to the most unexpected conversations. Quite nice.

mumble.

I do, I mumble. I speak very quietly, and I dislike repeating myself too many times, but, yeah, you get the picture. I'm usually told, 'speak up', or 'wha..?', but today, instead of this, I was simply led behind the bus stop, where it's more quiet. Very respectful. (:

I had my first snowball fight of the year today. SNOW!!!! *jumps up and down and squeals*

I understand how people can't understand how to choose between no one being interested in your life and everyone asking how you're feeling after your last tragedy.

Kisses are nice. (implying everything and nothing)

Have you ever had friends unwillingly? I mean, real friends, ones you liked, but they became that without you wanting them to? If you're used to being alone, it can be either annoying or quite lovely.

Never forget your siblings. Seriously. I don't know what I'd do without mine.
Now, especially, my sister.

This piece of work is enchanting.

Oh god.

It's over. It's actually fucking over. Again, but this time it's real.
But - it's for the better. We broke up like two "humane" beings. Tears, kisses, all of that, but it happened.
I'm going to miss it all, fucking miss you, Kass. But I'm happy it ended like this. Thank you.

um..

Also. I have no idea if you'll be reading this or not.

But that little moment.. we watched the bus arrive, and there was a slightly awkward, quick hug.  ...
I watched you get on, your hat a brighter spot among the drab-ish colours of the other passenger's clothing. And then turned and walked after a moment. Eyeing the red light, waiting for it to turn green so I could see if you were one of the people who had that last little bit of eye-contact or not.
Red.. Orange.. Green..go. one car, another, .. another, I look back, and there's the bus. *Impatient.*
And then there you were, looking straight at me, this big grin on your face. I'm sure mine was identical.
The bus drove off, and I walked on, smiling inside. Bumbling.

Decisions.

Yes. I might have made a big mistake. But then, why did I do it? There must have been a reason.
Although, the consequences.. well, they could have been tolerable. But further choices, under, *cough* certain influences, have complicated it all again. As a lovely result - I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do.

Also, one of the things I wanted to do least was to betray a certain person's trust.
At the moment, I was just revealing what I thought I owed to somebody.
I'm sorry about the rest of the human race.

The little lovely beginnings and wonderings will have been worth it, though, whatever the outcome.

Also, there have been further revelations that are equally confusing.. More goddamn sympathies.
But, I guess it should have occurred to me.. or not.


Anyway. My heart is being torn in numerous directions. Yipee.

sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysoryysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry. Sorry.

~ ~ ~

Emotions.... they keep surprising me. You're thinking, this is what I did, this is what feel.
Then, everything hits you, full force. And that's what feeling is.


Also, I realize now I had forgotten how to dream.. With open eyes, that is.
 Thank you for reminding me.

apologies

It had to come to an end. You know I'm sorry. I only wish I could explain it all better, I hope you'll understand if I can't.
You're still very dear to me, and hurting you is torture. Thank you for being you, though, thank you for everything. The last six months have been a pleasure.
Like I said, I'm still here if you need me.