eighteen

Have you ever felt like things have happened the wrong way? Remembering certain things of the past, and being haunted by this unshakeable feeling that you should have chosen another path. It doesn't have to be a big thing, it also doesn't matter if you're happy with your life or not, just, it seems like things should have been different. "should"
The vultures struck a chord (TCV, La Corda)

This morning we got an addition to our silly family tradition of waking the birthday person with songs it three languages and the leading their groggy selves down to the kitchen for cake and gifties. That addition was the Pandit. I'm pretty sure that the Star girls have attended more than once, and the Rosies, too, but this time seemed different. Probably because it was another tiny merging of worlds. Though, more of an introduction, this one.
As many of you know, I have cover names for a lot of people I mention here. There isn't always a reason, but it's fun as hell. 
It was my sister's idea, undoubtedly, to make a literal string of candy from my room to the kitchen. Yes, string. With 18 candy bars knotted up, one after the other, down the stairs. How I'm going to finish them off, I do not know.
Amongst the stuff my family saw me open with undisguised glee on their faces (Ali, I mean you) were a pair of feather earrings, two furry clay rabbits (at this point I started thinking Easter), and an effin' video camera. I am going to have so much fun with this one.
Also, dear Lucifer wanted to get me tickets to Dylan Moran, who, it turns out, will perform in LV on the 1st of October! The lovely fucker. (you should've heard me squeal when you sent the link.) I mean, jezusmaria, here, of all places. Sadly, tickets were no longer available, but I'm still very thrilled about the idea as a whole.
'Tis a big day, today. I feel, to put it so, like a princess. Of sorts.

I am indecisive.

(NOOO! Really??)

Just, it seems to be ruling my life at the.. no, just, always. Almost. I don't know.
And so, at stupid times like these I end up using Kass's method of "I have to choose between three unimaginably great events? Fuck it all, I'm not going."
I mean, fine, today is one of the emotional/hormonal/fuck knows mess days, but then again, there have been so many times when I simply fuck myself over. Knowingly, but not really voluntarily. And not just in these situations. For example - I, being a chronically late person, am finally standing at the door on time, with everything I need, (Yes! So there will be this one time I won't let this person down!) when suddenly I get a bout of insecurity, a need to change this, or that, something, something utterly insignificant and downright silly, and as the last chance not to be late slips away, heeeere come the convictions of the past, (Not that she expects anything of me, anyway..), kicking my motivation into the mud. Why do I do this? What is this? Some unsolved past bullshit? Some lesser "comfort zone" of my brain that will forever be a bitch to stay out of? I let myself down, mostly. Double-u tee eff?

*update [29th]
I found out what this is. It's called a Self-Defeating Personality Disorder :D

many dots

Funny, how I'd mention the silver cat and then lose it, five days after..
A shame, a shame.. I've had it since 7th grade..  But there is hope yet.
I've spent most of today with my mother, which is unusual. T'was very nice.
First she took me to the dentist (just hygienist, for now. Still, having someone scraping about your mouth is not pleasant and makes you feel horribly vulnerable.), then shopping for the family, then we proceeded to drive home to make pumpkin-lentil soup with roasted sunflower seeds and whatnot, and we also made this wonderful little concoction I have named the Amazingly Delicious Health-Thing. I can give you the recipe. Here -

• Milk
• Common sea-buckthorn (smiltsērkšķi)
• A banana & a peach (add any fruit of preference)
• A few drops of vanilla extract
• A spoon of sugar, in needed

Then amounts of everything you can decide for yourself.
Blend all this, and then consume saliva - inducing goodness at your own leisure.

I decided to get a new toothbrush right at the clinic 'cause why not take care of it all at once, eh? The girl asked what colour, I told her to choose. I've never had a black toothbrush before. 

I must return

to freedom!!

I realised, yesterday, Baltajās Naktīs, at the little concert of Pēteris and Jāzeps and the rest of the Photographers, that I'd lost a big part of myself during the summer and I must get it back. The silver cat is back around my neck. You see, the part I mean is the one that was researching the details of how to become a witch, the one that wished for a secret door to a fantasy world, the one who got lost in her day-dreaming. I wanted to be the odd girl in the oversized raincoat and a snake in her apartment, or the damsel in distress who was taken by the hand and shown that the horrible, terrifying, wonderful, unimaginable beasts and figures and beings were real, and they're hiding from reality in deep, dark corners. I'm back.

o.o

I think I know what I'm gonna do with the book.
(that phrase has jumped out of my mouth more than thrice, I think)
Thus, correction - I've figured out another possible detail and am excited about it.
So, the making people jump chapters is definitely a possibility, but another thing is this - I'm going to have all these random little paragraphs and/or short stories in between the actual storyline, which might include slight references to these appearances.
I'd also love to include visual stuff, I have no idea if this would cause any unnecessary complications, but it'd be horribly neat. If romance - maybe curls or blooms around the edges, if normally, illustrations to a couple things, but not too many. I could have a few little figures dancing around the text, appearing here and there, with distinct personalities, but being not much more than scribbles, faces more or less indistinguishable, but still somehow there.
As for colours in the text itself - a few select phrases or sentences, words, even letters will be obvious to the eye. Ehehe. I will enjoy this immensely.
Also - movies & literature. Share, everybody, share these experiences. Kat, I will certainly watch Les amours imaginaires, and Rudy, you must see The Princess Bride, loads of Ghibli stuff, and more. And fucking books! If only you could have this enormous library that is accessible to only you and your friends you choose to share your books with. The inside would be timeless, so you could read all the books you wanted in no hurry, and all the books would be the ones you and your friends want to share/wish they had/have been told to read or their lives would be incomplete. This is the second imaginary library description I've made.
And life is really such a troll. This is necessary, of course. Today, I was happy. Fucking happy. In love, I'll have you know. Etc. I was rather proud of my little assemblage of clothing of the day, and I met my lovely friends and proceeded to have a grand time. Then, I got a call informing me of a rather serious matter, and, to add just a little oomph to this - just after that I got kicked out my band. Lovely.
The day wasn't all a pile of shit, just very overwhelming. Life is changing, again.