whoo

Gonna cry myself to sleep tonight.

bet nē, viss nav slikti,

jo mājās ir garšīgs jogurts.

Paldies Gintam par savu mūžīgo saulaino/chill noskaņojumu, par super mīlīgajām konfektēm, un par atgādinājumu, ka nav nemaz tik sarežģīti nebaidīties.

Paldies Arvim par savu spēju pārslēgties uz to idiotisko humoru, kura ietekmē jāsmejas līdz sāpošiem sāniem un asarām. Kā arī par aliņiem.

Es atsakos neuzskatīt savus draugus par draugiem tādēļ, ka pagātne ir sūds un visiem ir rētas.

sludge

Today seems somewhat ugly. With no reason to get out of bed, I kept myself there, periodically asleep and awake, until about one in the afternoon. Lora tends to lie in the dip of my back, or on my side, and her complacent purring serves as an additional demotivator when it comes to moving.

I will almost certainly ditch choir, there's no use in showing my face there today.

The only high-light I can name was the cheery quality to the voice of L. B. from the Samaritans, with whom I was discussing helping kids in need with their english. Not sure what I'm getting into, since there seems to b a lot of unpredictability with the rotation of the actual children, and she seems intent on having me opt for this group of ambiguously defined, mentally impaired youngsters with drinking problems. I am somewhat intimidated.

Gus seems to be on his toes about me inviting most male friends over/ going to visit them. Looking over most of the people I communicate with, guilt trips will ensue. Like yesterday, when Gints dropped by for tea and a walk to the lake, reminiscing about trips he'd had over the summer, and Arvis later informed me about his triumph over some test and the need to raise a glass to that. (Which ended up starting off in the "Gustavs Ādolfs" mini-restaurant, which I had previously visited only from the café to use the joint lavatory. Terrible, terrible music.) There was some unpleasant texting over the evening, and today I can't really talk to Gus at all. I don't think he realises how shit I am at spending my time alone.
Hard to know how to feel about what.

So here I am, pouring my heart out to the one person who will potentially read this, and it only makes me fell all the shittier. My sincerest apologies.

wow spēle

Just finished sorting my tumblr playlist. No more dead links, no more confused naming. Enough additions to make it count as relatively updated (to my current life, ahah).

I've been made part of this secret-ish project, which I'm happy about. I'd do well not to slack on at least some sort of writing now. I'd tell you more, but. *giggles* It's secret.
And choir was equal parts oddly empty, pleasant, amusing, awkward and tedious.

"Jūs arī wow spēlējat?" is the response I got to an attempt to incorporate a doge joke into a group chat. I ended up having to explain the principle. Unsuccessfully, I might add - evidently the people I was conversing with are not of the type to be subjected to internet sink-holes.

Why the fuck do I frequently try to write these things at some ungodly hour, with zero company and zero booze? *ignores unopened tequila bottle on the table*

This is shit.

Daudz laimes, Kristap. 
(good job, Em, that was a day early)

"Daniel Cowman" - Regina Spektor

"Joks tāds,"

02:45 - pārģērbos pidžammās, un sāku lasīt "Mūsdienu Politiskās Filozofijas" ievada sadaļu "Libertārisms". Bet jau uzreiz saprotu, ka biju pārāk aizrāvusies ar to prieku, kas ir rakstīšanas vides noformatēšana, informācijas ieplūde sanāk neveiksmīga. Salauzta tās izplūde, turpretim..

I have great hopes for the year 2015. It has already brought some very interesting changes, ones that are generally good. E.g. new, fascinating friends; a kind of (what*) motivation that isn't an illusion; choir's been turned upside-down; I've been forced to attempt to see my sister as an adult; I've been challenged to bring out some forgotten, rambunctious aspects of myself without wrecking the delicate balance I've achieved without them.
This Monday evening I was too sleep-deprived to go and fill my duties as an english teacher, for a reason I'm still not entirely sure how to classify. Fun, though.

Dark Dark Dark at Cake Shop: "Junk Bones"

I have a character in mind that currently goes by the name of Mabel. The idea of her story is this: she slowly and painfully gets herself out of a depressive circle, and that's all fine and well, but things get more fantastical over time, and at certain points we (the readers, & Mabel herself) get thrown back to whenever she started daydreaming/ whenever she fell asleep, back to her "reality". I don't plan on making it easy to coherently follow the "real" storyline, but I think it might be a good shape to have something solid that's interspaced with trippy journeys in.

She obviously has a cat. Goodnight.


*Hā, "edits"

Tūdaļ došos uz Simpoziju, bet lai cik izdrāzts vārds "motivation" nebūtu visdažādākajos kontekstos, vēlos vismaz sev norādīt uz to atšķiribu tās pielietojumā, kuru nesa faking cipariņa pārbīde. Spontānas mākoņveidīgas dvesmas - tikpat abstraktas un kaut kur augšā peldošas.

Starp citu, daži konkrēti pārlatviskojumi, kurus līdz šim kaut kā biju palaidusi garām, kutina manas ausis. Atmiņā ataust tas nostalģiskais brīdis, kad pirmo reizi dzirdēju vārdu "coolīgi". Lai gan, tas joprojām ir noskurināšanās vērts. Bet, piemēram, es nemācētu erotiski uzvesties latviski. Vismaz ne manā tābrīža uztverē, un kur nu vēl pielietot neķītrus tekstiņus. Valodu barjeras ftw

wait for it..

I wonder what these blue walls will have to offer. Other than teaching me how to sleep. Other than a slow introduction to proper breathing. Other than lifting my little bubble of light up to the clouds I've come to adore so. Crack my bones and scrape my imagination off of the walls, and don't forget to call me a good little girl.

Melanie Martinez - Toxic

realisation

I have a recurring tendency to use the word "realisation" quite frequently, bearing the meaning of acquiring certain information with the appearance of being closer to the truth. I now use it as a title bearing the meaning of ideas living in my head having materialized in the world around me. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am writing this, sitting in a blue-walled room: my study.

Whilst dwelling on stuff people have dreamt up coming true, I like to bear in mind the theory of the universe being the Fulfiller* of wishes; and the extremely humorous approach it takes to our humanly formulation of them. I'll admit that things never take form in the way I imagine them to, but where would be the fun in that? If I were to believe in a higher power, it would be this sentient universe with the best (if widely put) intentions in "mind".
While it is thoroughly charming, my honest take on this and other esoteric theories is similar to my take on God - with no personal evidence in support of or against them, I will choose to temporarily believe what I find makes the most sense to me as well as makes life most becoming to my eyes.

Though I daresay that I began this entry with the intention to voice the realisation (in my primary sense of the word) of my making the majority of my decisions overall based on doubt.
Doubt has two main functions in my psyche: one is completing a set of scars left from the crippling and not wholly eradicated insecurity belonging to me; the other is as a safety net, going hand in hand with indecisiveness and fear and not leading in any particularly useful direction.
I find that those two functions were much more convincing when my aforementioned wishes weren't so palpably coming true, so now I ask of my reasoning: WHO'SYERFUDGENQUEENNOW

*hint hint RICE BOY

A summer full of rain

Fleet Foxes - Tiger Mountain Peasant Song (First Aid Kit cover)

a couple last times

watching the world turn from the seats in our heads

chewing on our memories, trying to suckle the last of it out
before they fade away: uncomfortably sincere
au revoir

Regina - How

vox animae, hiatus kaiyote

Hannah, my darling,

I will follow you into the sunrise on the desert sky,
we fly, rise together with our hearts upon our sleeve for all to see,
we two will breathe,

aqua queen of vast distance between us,

heart sails with love for you, I... love you, I.. love you, I do..

love you, I.. love you, I.. love you, I do.

Nakamarra, sweet, red earth will hold you

like the strength you bless to me, true, we engage humility,

watch me struggle with your words however truthful they may be
we'll see, in time, opening our hearts and nurturing our minds to shine
I love you, I.. love you, I.. love you, I do.
love you, I.. love you, I.. love you, I do, whoo!

Oh, it sets our hearts to fire, sweet you and I.. honey, don't you!

know, it sets our heart to fire, sweet you and I.. honey, don't you!

know, we two will pulse in through this light.. honey, don't you!

know, we two will pulse, I'll always

love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

Love you, I do
love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

Love you, I do

Hannah, my darling,

I will follow you into the sunrise on the desert sky,
we fly, rise together with our hearts upon our sleeve for all to see,

we, too, will breathe,

aqua queen of vast distance between us,

heart sails with love for you, I.. love you, I.. love you, I do..
love you, I.. love you, I.. love you, I do.

Oh, it sets our hearts to fire, sweet you and I.. honey, don't you!

know, it sets our heart to fire, sweet you and I.. honey, don't you!

know, we, too, will pulse in through this light.. honey, don't you!

know, we, too, will pulse, I'll always

love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

Love you, I do
love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

love you (ye ye ye ye yey-oh)

Love you, I do

Ye yeah, ye yeah, ye yeah-yeah.. Ye yeah, ye yeah, ye yeah-yeah..

Ye yeah, ye yeah, ye yeah-yeah.. Ye yeah, ye yeah, ye yeah-yeah..

"everything you eat is poison"

real, self-sustained warmth

It seems to me that it's one of those days. I feel inexplicably tangible. Like I'm more present somehow. A couple days ago, I realised I've never really seen myself as a real thing when I see my reflection in the mirror. So I tried that, and it was as if my skin suddenly had colour.
I'll think on that.

I think I'm coming to terms with my fucked-up sense of closeness.
Though what time it will take to be truly comfortable with all that, I don't know.
It's getting simpler. Y'know, like, chill, man, chill.

For now I'm doing that delicate self-destruction thing, and loving it..
I'm thankful for having wonderful people around me. Truly - thanks, guys.

Love

It's all you want, in the end.
It's all I want.

To be loved. Be be able to love.

It's saddening to realise too late that you've been giving your all to one person, pushing everything else away, because at that moment, nothing else really mattered. It's saddening to see them grow distant, care less and eventually stop caring.
People change, and the things you believed in get taken away from you, and then you're left empty, lonely, and helpless. So you hurt for a while. And it's more real than anyone else will let you believe, because no one can really help you. You may despair. You may spends endless, sleepless nights remembering an exquisitely gentle caress, a truly heartfelt kiss or a long-lost smile. You may not remember the last day you didn't cry, because it's so fucking hard to believe that something so good, days so happy could turn into.. This.
Still, later, you realise that no one can really help you, except yourself. That doesn't make things easier. But you'd be forsaking yourself if you didn't at least try.

Your world spins. It gets darker.
You will have to go through hell to find the light again.
Just try to trust me when I say it's there.