Years.

Another beginning. Better make it worth it this time. Enjoy it.

burrrrunduksss

Ach, I'm sniffly. I sneeze. I'm getting sick, which also means - helloo inspiration. And sillyness. And "are you feeling ok?" by people who, once again, rightfully question my sanity. But - - Inspration, my friends. That's what counts. c: And lovely lovely music. It's really. Yes. Goddamnit.

Joyeux Noel...

Yeah.. That Christmas thing. The whole ridiculous process. Don't know what I'd do without it..
You do notice, don't you, that the most important detail, the "Christmas feeling", the one that creates it all, is harder to find each year? That's kind of the sincere part.. and then we go shopping and fill everything and everywhere with the "obligatory" stuff, the tree, the presents, the food, the Decorations.. yah. The commercialism, as I'm sure you know, is eating it all up, or, more precisely, we're eating it all up.
But the celebration itself.. it's somehow special. It balances out the greed. It's a cliché, yes. But one of the lesser evils, as far as clichés go. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed yourselves, found some peace in the midst of it all, and didn't get too drunk.
file:///Users/ee/Desktop/08%20Ar%20Droim%20Na%20Gaothe.mp3

and.. you feel..

Emotions are such a wonderful thing, really, whether it's joy, with that ball of light inside, you're dancing with every step, and you're about to burst, you can't stop smiling, it almost hurts..
Or when it does hurt, remorse or worse, when there's the pain, one wave, another, it subsides for a bit, but the tide is coming in, the delicious overflow of sorrow, the lovely misery, and you're inconsolable for a little while..
Or, the other kind if hurt, anger, and revenge is all you want, anything, you don't care about what you're saying anymore, it only has to be ruthless enough to hurt the other person, or you want to fling yourself at him or her and tear them to pieces, you want to burn down the world..
Inspiration, when it all works, the idea in your head is perfect, you have to get it out, you have to wake up and DO things, you have to move..
Excitement & nervousness, you keep jumping up and down, your palms are sweaty, you keep swallowing, you're anticipating..-
Or fear.. either when there's something there.. watching.. you imagine all the horrible things you can think of, one after another.. you keep walking though, periodically faster, run across the street because the other side is "safe", if you get there in time, they can't get you..
..or the other kind of fear, the immediate kind, you are breathing fast, there's a lump in your throat, not unlike before you cry, but still different, and you just can't move..

Or.. when you're just.. content. You are somewhere, still, it has all passed, for now, and you can just.. think...and have what you have, you're not after anything, you just ..are.

What would we be without them? Can you really imagine giving this up? It's so beautiful, why would you do that? Why?

spirals

And.. here it is. The peace. The sea after a storm, if you will. At least for now.
The rage came momentarily again this morning, but it's gone now.
Strong black tea form an iron kettle with a mound of sugar. Should be enough of an energy well to start today. This day. This ... day. afternoon. Emma, you've slept way to long.

........sob

I've mentioned this before.. the most beautiful gift I've ever received. Just about 17 years ago.

Babe, babe, rock-a-bye. 

Earth. Sea. Fire. Sky.

We planted a seed and there you grew.

Who could have known it would be you?

I want to keep you safe from trouble, guide you right and set you free.

Love, care, for you to live.

Instead of take I must now give.

I was a child now I have grown.

The house I lived in you've made a home.

I want to keep you safe from trouble, guide your eyes and set you free.

I pray there's some beauty, peace and wonder, left in the world you inherit from me.

Sleep, dream your dreamy-dream.

Don't let go of where you've been.

Back to the wisdom from which you came, but wake to find me here again.

I want to keep you safe from trouble, guide your eyes and set you free.

I pray there's some beauty, peace and wonder, left in the world you inherit from me.

All life is one, all time is now. 

Rock the cradle, break the bough.

Stars, angels, world of strife.

Womb, blood, love of live!

ugh

Right. I've pin-pointed a couple of problems that have been continuously getting me down lately. It's nothing dramatic, but still there. Thing is, though, there's nothing I can do about them without messing things up. At least until something happens. Am I the only one who sort of wants to find an excuse to yell at a person close to you? Even if nothing is really wrong? You have been content for so long, there's been no reason to be violent. I have issues, don't I. Or maybe it's suffocating emotions or something.
I miss being with people I know really really well, like buddies for years.
Everyone around me is really wonderful, but there's just not that really meaningful level of trust, etc.
Ah, shit. I sound like a whiny bitch. Yay. What to do what to do what to do wahttodo??

what even is

I get the weirdest feeling sometimes.. A sort of suppressed rage, out of nowhere.. I'm not angry myself, no, it's more like all the sounds and movements are angry, violent. The only connection I can make from the past is one of my recurring nightmares - also, the suppressed rage, a lot of it, and I'm in whiteishness all around, except for a moving, endless, black line that I have to keep straight at all costs. It always spikes at the end. Always, like the heartbeat thing, only suddenly, then it all disappears, and someone screams that he's the king of the world. I think he lifted a car above his head the first time I dreamt it. I've only had this dream about 4? times, but it's scary when I suddenly get the feeling irl.. for no reason I can think of. It usually passes after a few minutes, 2-10, I guess. Any music I put on to calm myself seems violent, like they're only just controlling themselves.

Odds and ends..

Madame Tutli-Putli

The Lost Thing

nyahh

What? In my had head

Bm-tds-bdabdabdm-tds-bdabm-tds-bdabdabdabm-tds

Duuuuuhhhhh-duuuuhhhh-duuhhhhhhh-duhhhhhhhhh

Juuuust like a star-

Paratparataparata-dum-dum-parata'nieeeh

This is how I show my love-
I made it in my mind because-
Blame it on my ADD, baby-

Hhhaaaaa                            haaaaaaaaaaaa
       hhhaaaaahhhhhhh                        huuuuuuuuuuuu
                   nahahhahhhhaaaaaaaa              mmmaaaaaaaaaaa-

 A kas buus, ja nepaspees?

duh-duh-epic guitar solo-

 Her name is-

 Manic Depression? Emma, kas? Aa, taa ir dziesma?

 Es tevi popularizeeshu. -
Nuuhh, bet, ... ai...

 ....at the raucousness of the beautiful crow-

Maybe I should call for help-
Maybe I should kill myself-
Blame it on my ADD, baby-

Cry me a river-

yyYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAA

Suskjis.

Kai, byyyyeeee-Where are you going??

Emma. Esi tur.septinjos.

oh-my-god-FUCK iIT!

Aaaannd she drowns.

Stiger med t@nda ljus  / Santa Luciiaaa, Santa Luciiiaaa-


too much. so it has to die for a while.

Intrigue.

No, I haven't seen the movie, nor read the book. But it was shown to me, and I must share it further.

(Girl, Interrupted - Strong Scene)

It all started with actually waking up at a more or less decent time. I didn't have plans until three, and, lo and behold - a message from a good friend, ditching school, asking if she could come over. Yes, of course. 

Just time enough to take a shower and clean up a bit before. 

She got a bit lost on the way, but just a little. When she arrived, I surveyed the food-less kitchen, made us black tea that was too strong, and we proceeded to my room. Tery's staying with me at the moment as well, I do think both girls had met before, but they barely remembered each other. We spent our time showing each other movies, books, memories, songs, she received a massage, there was a lot of talk about wishes and christmas... we had a wonderful time. 

These little gatherings don't happen that often, but when they do, they are lovely.
Another thank you for the Star Girl.

Guys. Really.

http://fightforthefuture.org/pipa/
http://americancensorship.org/

aah.

Tell me your fears, my love. Tell me what makes you tremble, tell me what makes you freeze. Tell me what makes you cry out for someone, anyone, to hold on to. Help.

...continuation.

Here - this - guys - look- this is something beautifully depressive-but not really. This is how you can be emo without being emo. (colon, capital d)

(Garbage - "Only Happy When It Rains")

Was surprised by a nosebleed is the shower. Not really that pleasant.
And, getting a call from your father and being told you are missed on top of getting sentimental by hearing the voices of your siblings is a sure sign that you should probably arrive at home sometime soon.

Also, I want you to think of as many sentences as possible that start with: "I'd totally shag you, but.. "

Morning.

Well, 16 past one in the afternoon, actually, but I woke up quite recently, and am writing this in the borrowed shirt I slept in... so, morning.
I've started to remember my dreams again, a very good thing, if only I could write them down in time. Beautifully nonsensical, it's what my subconscious is throwing at me, so I have to try to find some obscure meaning in it. No guarantees my translation will be right, though.
Also, Tom Waits. TomwaitsTomwAitstomWaits. His voice is a pleasant one to hear unexpectadely in the first song you hear coming from the radio. Like this.

(Tom Waits - "Talking at the same time")

Look, you even got a nice full moon to go with that. Like the one I got yesterday. Only the sky wasn't pink. Huh.
It's like running across that little bumpy lawn with the confused girl at night to get to the music in the little hut after tying pine needles to the pink\red strings across the other room, which you weren't actually supposed to do, because the elongated notes were there already. Now, inside the hut the music is very nice, the few people with guitars and voices, but the only other ones there are the kids who are being judges of the music, at a tiny wooden table, so what else can you do but pick your own tiny chair and do the same. And then wake up from the phone call, realizing you've slept too late.
Now, which of you geniuses can make sense of the only part of my dream I can remember (the end) ?

I wish..

When you see a movie, read a book, visit a place, enter any kind of world you haven't entered for years and years..  Aah, don't you get this desperate need to return, just for a moment, to the life you had then, no matter how shitty it was? Or is it just me? And, yes, I'm being very honest here and letting you know a sort of secret of mine, I guess. I do want to be able to return to the past, relive it for a while, or at least observe it, just to remember who I was. Because it's scary how much we all forget about ourselves. Our minds eventually get focused on everything we have to do, want to have, etc., and the person you were before just kind of fades away, especially the younger one. That child. Wonderfully oblivious, incessantly curious, and happy. At least more than you are now, am I right? So wouldn't it be wonderful to know how you would have thought of your present self, how much you would have understood? Would you be proud of yourself for getting where you are now? Or would you shake your little head and murmur something including ".. should've known.." Think about it. 

O.o

Have you ever had the sudden feeling that someone's in trouble, or something bad is about to happen if you don't do something or go somewhere... I mean, everything's fine, but then you start getting anxious, about nothing, then you realize you urgently have to leave or meet a certain person, or simply that you have to DO something, but you don't know what, you're close to tears, or outright crying.. Oh, damn you intuition.

And I guess we have a lot to thank it for, though.