.

At times I was thinking that I was being a manipulative bitch, that this is just about seeing what happens, little experimentations, wants, and so on. Towards the end, I thought you were. At times I was just enjoying the moment of feeling safe and being hugged or kissed.. being with somebody who had this wonderful little world in their head.
Then, bam, the end. Em, you can blame yourself, you knew this was a possibility, you were supposed to be prepared for this. Mostly, it was ok. I felt fine. Then there were a few moments of hurting a bit.
I felt guilty for messing around, and apparently, making you feel worse as a result. But then, the least I can do is respect your privacy, if you ask for it.
Today. I guess I thought that that's what it would be like from now on. I'd imagined us meeting before, having a reason for getting mad at you, letting it all out, or just subtly ignoring each other. But this is reality. That's how it would, "should" have been.
I don't want to be that starry-eyed person, then one you just don't want to meet. If you still don't want anything to do with me, I'll understand. But see.. when I saw this -

"Shit, shit, shit, you can't do this to me!" My eyes quite abruptly filled with tears, and I alternately laughed and sobbed for a couple minutes. I sort of surprised myself.
Didn't really know that the residue of those feelings would cling so stubbornly.

This, being the rugged truth, will probably hurt a few people. I've been foolish, very foolish, and I really can't express how sorry I am for playing around with you. I deserve to be tortured and thrown into a hole.

In a way, I'm also sorry for this. Not smoothing it all out, not pretending nothing has happened, not letting it all subside. Because it's a confrontation. But I had to.