thanks

well, I guess I'm kind of relieved. maybe it took being a fool for a bit longer to make sense of something. I'm glad it's ok. And see, being a good girl and participating in that choir concert wasn't the best choice, after all, I did the right thing by letting myself ponder here, at home, and music is suddenly so unbelievably beautiful today, you cannot imagine.
These last two weeks have been a big thing. It's been a challenge, and it's kicked some understanding into me, or so I hope. I'm still carrying a relatively heavy pain in my chest, and it's going to take a while for it to go away, to melt into all the other feelings swirling around in there. I mean, I've been happy for so long. It's fucking weird. I was a miserable kid, and then I broke down and broke free and learned to be at first desperately, then genuinely happy with myself and my life, and then that became my life. Of course, there was all sorts of shit, but I'm guessing I kind of forgot about this kind of deep pain. I forgot how to get immersed in it, to get back at it. It took all of these things, the awful, awful choosing between people, getting betrayed, getting broken up with, having people mess with my head, me and my trust issues, going on self-and-other-induced guilt trips, reliving older fears, feeling like such a pathetically weak person, wanting to disappear and relieve everyone of this burden that is me, reaching out to others who have no desire of helping me deal with everything, or in turn fearing to reach out, afraid that they'll turn away. Everything sort of attacked me at once, and well, congrats, it worked. Full fledged hurt. But I don't think that less would've been enough.. 'cause it somehow wanted to bury itself in there and fester, I could not, for the life of me, scream it all out, sobbing, like I desperately wanted to. A couple of "burst into tears" that dried relatively quickly, the rest just slipped down to join the festering fest. I finally got to let go somewhat when I was just about ready to leave an apartment at about 3:30 in the morning, to slowly trudge in the direction of home while waiting for the first tram and talking to myself furiously the whole way. Convinced me not to go, and then you hugged me while I cried into your shoulder. Thank you.

And then, August - everybody.. "Yeah, I might have. I like how some bands have a particular air about them besides the music or lyrics they make."
That little sentence of yours made me go into another one of those thought cycles - you know, that feeling you associate with each person, they're personal thing, feel, emotion, their own personal emotion, hey, I like that.. auras, energy fields, maybe that, if you will. Whatever works. maybe it's just today that everything seems so pronounced.. Ah, how can I possibly relay all of this so you people understand exactly what I'm feeling here? It's impossible, I'd really want some way of temporarily looking into people's perspective of the world. Before long, so much would have been learned by simply feeling a certain way, everyone's consciousness would be connected, maybe we'd be a sort of loose beehive.

I think I need my own floating angel Lani to complain and cry to, give self-righteous monologues and  my weird theories about life to. These people seem to be switching all the time. Maybe I should be glad about that. I mean, it's mutual teaching/learning, making the world a slightly more experienced place. Just people. Too many nuances, so I just put it in one word, but, (especially over the net), that is not a good way to try and relay a complicated thought. I might be expressing some bizarre kind of appreciation for a lot of the people around my, ya know, the usual "thanks for existing/being my friends/being who you are" shit. But yeah, thanks.

(Classical Gas - Mason Williams)

Side note - Evita, forgive me, but I'm just thrilled to have someone to be a sort of mentor to. Makes me feel like I'm being useful to our dear Gaia here.

(and as pathetic as is it, a lot of what I type here I'd be unable to utter in real life. maybe I just can't gather my thoughts in the same way when I'm around people. so, forgive me if I bluntly offer to share my blog.)

good/bad/confused

Aah. Cretinous people. Innocent people. Clueless, arrogant, sweet, introvert, helpless, selfish, guilty, amazing, blundering people. Everyone around me is in some kind of weird vortex of problems, some more serious, some less, but well - this spring/summer is giving us all a good kick in the balls, or heart, whatever the circumstances call for. We're forced to take on or two steps back and rethink, rediscover, nursing the pain along the way.
I might have complained some time back about different worlds, or different parts of my life merging, as in everybody knowing f'in everybody, which means that the delicate strings holding up the separate kinds of people and places are all tangled up.. It seems, now, that is has come to a point where there is one big reality including almost everything, there are only a few other worlds of mine left, hidden either deep in my mind or in other countries. Of course, new ones are being born and/or introduced every day..
And what do you do - if taking that you, for instance, trust your intuition greatly - if you have an obligation that you're unwilling to fulfill, and are unsure if this unwillingness is your gut telling you it's a bad idea or if you're just being lazy again. There's always the option of waiting until it's too late and then going unprepared or not going at all, disappointing a few people (again), but escaping and working with yourself instead. Or could it be tiny past traumas working their way into your doubts and fears about it all?
And I feel like I'm rambling about the same stuff again and again, on and on, just changing the context and the general feeling of it all. Aah.

waiting

I've payed the dues, people
why won't you let me play the blues?
I've been promised, I know how
The dreams were so beautiful, but now
I've  been pushed to the ground
You're sayin' I'm my own hound
You're pressing down my fingers
The need to sing, much more than lingers
Get off, please, it hurts
Why'd you have to answer so curt?
You know I still love you all
Just don't, don't, I don't wanna fall
Fall back to the role of the psychotic girl
Who's talents were mostly to cower and hurt
Pathetic insults at to the laughs passing by
NO MATTER HOW I TRY
I'm still spiraling back, I'm in the past
You make a line, make sure I'm last
Get me out of this hell-hole, teach me to die
I already know how to lie
I already know how to tie
The knot of the noose 'round my neck
You'd think heart was beating, don't care to check
No, it never mattered, no, never
You said it was pleasant to cry in a fever
It is, you're right, but only if you're half sane
Unable to imagine breaking the chain
'cause colours are taboo these days
Sit me down and tell me to raise
My glass to the black face with gray eyes
Haunting my every waking dream, no need to pry
I've already told you all I got
You say I'm right, yeah, I know I'm not
I know I'm not, no, I've been shot
No longer so hot
When you're cold an' pale an' bleeding to death
And no other rhyme is better than 'breath'
Now let me finish and rest in peace
Escaping the stares, the love and the grease
Drippin' off you all, and you still don't notice
Nothing I feel will make you hear or see this
Teach me how to die
'Cause I already know how to lie



So goddamn naive, naive, naive, naive, naive

...

Then the truth came in, 
smiling as it stunk of gin
And the roof came down, 
they said they heard it all over town
And they all meant well, 
climbing from the depths of hell
And they're eyes shone red;
there was nothing more to be said

Pauses

the first lovely comment to my non-poem was "emo." At first that made me laugh out loud, but I guess I do see some resemblance to the usual black-tear-grief-stricken stuff.
And my May posts do seems rather sappy at the moment. ohboy

The 12 string rain dog will not be reading this.

...and so Fyero granted the little spirit a body. *

The grouse ventured over to the glade where the spirit was taking the eggs out of her nest, one by one, and breaking them, either smashing them against the rocks or poking sticks through them. Grief in her eyes, she asked - "How can you do this?" The spirit looked up, tearful, and answered gleefully - "I am doing horrible things!"
The grouse heard "I am doing horrible things!"
The spirit said "I am doing horrible things!"


..the magic of a physical body. to be able to sense, to be able to DO, both good and bad.. 

DO something

Gawd, somebody motivate me. But there are plenty of things I can do right here, without leaving the safe haven on my room. I want to escape into some obscure dream world, where the point of existing is to delve into other worlds. It could be a huge library with weird gravity rules and staircases everywhere and we would all have wings, and there would be hot cocoa and peaches. And strawberries. And marshmallows. And one side would be a massive stone wall with plenty of caves with fireplaces. And there would be an outside where it would rain all the time. Thunder and lighting, very very frightening. And there would be random trees growing between the bookshelves. And on the other side there would be and entire wall covered with doors and windows, each an entry to one of the books. Have fun, kids.

Yep. Self-discipline has flown out the window.

reminders

So, this morning on the train from Ķegums, I was making little reminder pathways in my head.
On my hand, I wrote "Bröderna Lejonhjärta" - passing Dole, Ieva and I saw these little garden houses with blossoming apple trees all around, it reminded me of the cherry trees in the book.

I kept silently repeating 'Morbid Faeries with Beautiful Hearbeats' - Morbid because of a rhyme I was coming up with at that moment, not that good though.. 
then there are phrases I wanted to be able to say just to fit the day -
I need to stop imagining everybody as faeries. 
Everybody's so beautiful today. 
My heartbeat was so loud.


And don't you think that the older way of spelling 'faeries' is so much nicer that the modern 'fairies'?

The last thing I wanted to remember was 'Fever', as in the song by L. W. John. Would have hummed it all the way home, if I hadn't met my mother on the tram..

Feeling rather woozy today.

La la la

How many people do I have to be there for? How many have I chosen to protect?

I keep so many around me lacking understanding of my own little world, but I still don't like the idea of being an 'adaptee', if you will. (Same old, I know, bet vēl joprojām aktuāli.)

I do enjoy the capacity to say "I love you" involuntarily and still mean it. It might be in the safety of my own room, it might be to a mere image, but it's still mostly true.   :)
So I guess there's more appreciation for the term 'unconditional love'.
Cynics, let 'em enjoy the moment, will ya?

If you want something done right, do it yourself.  ..?  mah maha mha
file:///Users/ee/Desktop/05%20On%20A%20Bayonet.mp3

I'm sorry, overjoyed, relieved, anxious, and anticipated to say -
..I have come to a certain conclusion.

a fragment..

..of "The 5th element", put into words.

~..then, slowly, she typed in three letters. W......A............R. Pictures started flashing across the screen. Soldiers. Tanks. Burning cities. Explosions. Loss of hope. Famine. Death.
The supreme being stared at the screen, wide-eyed, trembling, taking in all the destruction that mankind has created. Tears started running down her cheeks. Then the chain of images stopped. Still violently trembling, Leeloo let out a quiet gasp. Taking up the screen was the final shape of an enormous mushroom cloud.



Yeah.. they can be a bit exaggerative, it's a bit of a cliché, but it's still a f-*eengt* good movie.

oh my..

I was wondering whether to log out of everything and finally get out of the house, or to click on this last link. I clicked.. this is just absolutely mesmerizing, just, wow.. paldies, Kārli. :D

cuts & lies

bolts, strings and marionettes

Yesterday evening, I was, as usual, the only person getting off at the last bus stop, and I must have been awfully inconspicuous, because the driver, having assumed there was no one left, turned off the lights and turned back towards the city centre a bit earlier. I walked up to the front of the bus and uttered a tentative "'scuse me..". The driver, startled, looked up and then started apologizing, explaining that he had wondered where I had gone, but had come to the conclusion that I must have gotten off earlier. He stopped and let me off right there, which was actually closer to home, and gave me one of those chocolate coin things as an extra apology, I guess. It must have been laying on the side counter for at least a few days, but a nice gesture nonetheless.

***

Also - Anton, man šorīt bija sapnis, ka tu man uzdāvināji kurpes. Kaut kādas tavējās, kuras tev bija par mazu, melnas, auduma, bez šņorēm, ar skellington vienā pusē un kaut ko vēl otrajā.. īsti neatceros. Go figure.

***

Just saved a wasp. I found in on the floor, crawling around half-heartedly, looked close to giving up.
I lifted it up on one of those little round pocket mirrors I found in Elīna's room, then put it on the windowsill. It seemed to revive a bit from the warm air, and after some more bemused crawling around, it took off, flying a bit crookedly towards the neighbors.

***

Damn all you social chameleons!

mau

Stieg Larsson surprised me today with a really good twist in his second book in the "Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" series. I sat there for about a minute, laughing out loud.
I have betrayed myself by becoming part of twitter.
My Tarot cards lie on the table, wrapped in silk, waiting to be picked up.
I cannot, for the life of me, remember what happened Saturday. Not that there was anything mind affecting - the day has simply slipped my memory. Yesterday, on the other hand..
Choir starts again on the 10th, which means adapting to that routine again. Meh.
Spring! Why do you bring allergies? And why don't you let Gus bribe you?
THE WINGLESS ANGEL IS MESSING WITH MY HEAD.
And the 12 string rain dog also seems to be avoiding me, but that could also be a slight imaginative leap. Maybe I should keep away from people for a while again. But then - I just need to switch sides.
But enough with the cryptic notes.
Now and again I get impatient with people being emotionally childish, and then I let my old habits rule, leading myself, in turn, to be impatient with me, most likely others as well.
Ah - difficult choices to make. Quite painful. Some actions have too many consequences. Well, it looks like there are going to be a few miserable days by the end of the week, possibly next week.

I remembered. Those events seem to far away for Saturday, but yep, they match.