These last two weeks have been a big thing. It's been a challenge, and it's kicked some understanding into me, or so I hope. I'm still carrying a relatively heavy pain in my chest, and it's going to take a while for it to go away, to melt into all the other feelings swirling around in there. I mean, I've been happy for so long. It's fucking weird. I was a miserable kid, and then I broke down and broke free and learned to be at first desperately, then genuinely happy with myself and my life, and then that became my life. Of course, there was all sorts of shit, but I'm guessing I kind of forgot about this kind of deep pain. I forgot how to get immersed in it, to get back at it. It took all of these things, the awful, awful choosing between people, getting betrayed, getting broken up with, having people mess with my head, me and my trust issues, going on self-and-other-induced guilt trips, reliving older fears, feeling like such a pathetically weak person, wanting to disappear and relieve everyone of this burden that is me, reaching out to others who have no desire of helping me deal with everything, or in turn fearing to reach out, afraid that they'll turn away. Everything sort of attacked me at once, and well, congrats, it worked. Full fledged hurt. But I don't think that less would've been enough.. 'cause it somehow wanted to bury itself in there and fester, I could not, for the life of me, scream it all out, sobbing, like I desperately wanted to. A couple of "burst into tears" that dried relatively quickly, the rest just slipped down to join the festering fest. I finally got to let go somewhat when I was just about ready to leave an apartment at about 3:30 in the morning, to slowly trudge in the direction of home while waiting for the first tram and talking to myself furiously the whole way. Convinced me not to go, and then you hugged me while I cried into your shoulder. Thank you.
And then, August - everybody.. "Yeah, I might have. I like how some bands have a particular air about them besides the music or lyrics they make."
That little sentence of yours made me go into another one of those thought cycles - you know, that feeling you associate with each person, they're personal thing, feel, emotion, their own personal emotion, hey, I like that.. auras, energy fields, maybe that, if you will. Whatever works. maybe it's just today that everything seems so pronounced.. Ah, how can I possibly relay all of this so you people understand exactly what I'm feeling here? It's impossible, I'd really want some way of temporarily looking into people's perspective of the world. Before long, so much would have been learned by simply feeling a certain way, everyone's consciousness would be connected, maybe we'd be a sort of loose beehive.
I think I need my own floating angel Lani to complain and cry to, give self-righteous monologues and my weird theories about life to. These people seem to be switching all the time. Maybe I should be glad about that. I mean, it's mutual teaching/learning, making the world a slightly more experienced place. Just people. Too many nuances, so I just put it in one word, but, (especially over the net), that is not a good way to try and relay a complicated thought. I might be expressing some bizarre kind of appreciation for a lot of the people around my, ya know, the usual "thanks for existing/being my friends/being who you are" shit. But yeah, thanks.
(Classical Gas - Mason Williams)
Side note - Evita, forgive me, but I'm just thrilled to have someone to be a sort of mentor to. Makes me feel like I'm being useful to our dear Gaia here.
(and as pathetic as is it, a lot of what I type here I'd be unable to utter in real life. maybe I just can't gather my thoughts in the same way when I'm around people. so, forgive me if I bluntly offer to share my blog.)
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