worth it

What is worth it? What do we people consider a time well spent? I mean, there is some weird detail that makes something insignificant seem as a valuable waste of time. A certain person being present, a thought flying through your mind, accomplishing something. WHAT. Even the little moments, "we succeeded in doing this - " how much is worth it because it'd look good to the public? Because you think you know that somebody you idealize would appreciate it? And you, yourself, there are also these things that make you react the was you do, simply because of the people you respect and/or idealize. Man, the world sucks. In a rather complicated way. And I still love y'all.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA PUT A SPELL ON YOOOUUU.......
BECAUSE.. YOU'RE MINE!!

nah

I can't not share this. It's too good.

(Party Rock Cantina Band)

"I cannot begin to tell you how lovely you are."

That - was the most heartwarming compliment I received yesterday, via Francis, who was awesome onstage with the guys. Gig at Karakums, lovely place, we played like shit, but the evening was quite pleasant. Čubis, Kārlis, & Sandis were there, too, hadn't expected that. They missed the belly dance of a blond between the bands. Eye-candy, but I think she was almost ignoring her background song.
Photos on the ceiling, paintings on the walls, confidence was melting, got beer for y'all.
I was told I "Cherry Bomb" suits me. Go figure. Smoke is fascinating. Really. I can't get over that. It just is really, fucking fascinating. 
I got two walk home the second night in a row, but I was just as nice, since I had Rob's company and we decided to stop cars on the way. The only guys who did stop were a couple of russians going the wrong way anyhow, but we did manage to unwittingly hold out our thumbs for a police bus and piss someone off. Totally worth it.
Strawberries.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0tsm0EhCJM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKFTEdhPQ9A

(City Games (Baha'i holy places version))

Francis, that's this guy.

hidden away for a few days

..and with that I mean the kind of hiding when you do just about nothing useful, and the time flies, really flies, but all the same, you're at a standstill. You mean to leave, but you stay. Just because. Didn't have an extra change of clothes or anything. Pleasant, though. The kind of sweetness that results in maniacal laughing.
Sho - guitar; company of felines; many movies; gory and not so gory reasons to tremble; awkwardness in the eyes of others; rhymes attacking my brain; boundaries and the lack thereof; breath; fucked up sleep schedules; marshmallows over the flame of a candle.
red pill, blue pill, no pills, oops

(Stubb - "Crosses We Bear")

(Stubb - "Scale The Mountain")

'cause we're all on a bandwagon of uncertainty

nowhere boy, nowhere boy
slam your gates and leave your toys
don't forget to sing your joy
dream on, little nowhere boy


sniveling and driveling
over tunes and diamond rings
over sleep and beds and things
and of other heart-bound etchings


nowhere boy, nowhere boy
climb your trees and make your noise
tell your tales and don't be coy
tell me, little nowhere boy


all these seams are sure to rip
if taken on another Trip
go on, take another sip
climb aboard my sinking ship


nowhere boy, nowhere boy
your friends plead you to enjoy
leave behind your schadenfreude
suffer, little nowhere boy


fingers deftly weaving strokes
painting nightmares, when provoked
out of dreams, when you awoke
last one in is sure to choke


nowhere boy, nowhere boy
close the gate and dust your toys
remember why you sang of joy
dream on, little nowhere boy

they say hasty

Tuesday. starting with the cryptic Went to be the sponsor for the three musketeers, which, with a brief encounter with the blond fey, proceeded to traipse on to the vocal apartment, where cards were dealt and smoke was breathed. Insults on balconies. Sorry, but not altogether undeserved. Ponderings, ponderings about thingamajings ..and you have to know that you're mentally strong enough to take it, you gotta trust yourself to be stable, otherwise you should wait
On the last tram home, another fellow with a companion was recognized, and I ended up lying on beanbags, ale at my side, looking up at the stars. Arrived home rather late and rather noisily, resulted in a couple of bruises on my legs. Em? Is that you? 
Next day, the factory. many known and unknown faces, echoes and posters and strawberries, and roofs going on and on. A green pull-out chair as a place for thought and writings, long-lost songs from the speakers, an awkward, but otherwise funny misunderstanding, and they taught be how to breathe it in.
Three hours of sleep, a drowsy ride home, brief encounter with Marija & roommate on tram, and another couple hours at home, waking to try to convince iTunes to give me back my music. By then it was morning, and a home-bound day seemed to bee looming, but a conversation resulted in a perilous journey to Kauguri, a marvelous sunset and some shivering on the beach. William the cat suits his name, and Max was the skittish one, the fighter. After - Green Street Hooligans & The Grey, both of which I managed to cry to. .Thanks for the comfort.
By then - sunrise, no sleep, and parents not being shy thanggoodness, bananas 'n ice cream in the morning, car ride back to the city, merciful shower at home, and a stubborn resolve not to cave in to sleep. Yes, that was this morning. Seems so long ago. I met Tom for a partially annoyed conversation, but it wasn't really that bad... + ice cream. Afterwards a aimless wandering while waiting, I met that one Miks from Rezo, very unexpected, and it was very hard to find somebody sensible to talk to. My fallen angel was hiding as well, what to do with her? My stubbornness has worked so far, and I'm kind of groggy. I could let myself give in soon, sleep is still undoubtedly good and needed. Interesting mindset, though, atm.. Those are my last three days in a nutshell, and they do deserve elaboration, which may be added over time, but noooobooody knooows...

(Lucy Rose - "Middle of the bed" | SPGtv)

Somehow I still have sand in my hair.

gah

So, I spent two days in the country with my mother cleaning the grimy house for the possible guests from the neighboring solstice party, coming up pretty soon. Destroyed my nails, couldn't hear Tom Waits over the vacuum cleaner, laughed up in my oak tree in my favourite spot because I'd forgotten how much I loved it and because the power of the wind was so fucking amazing, and I got into a few inevitable fights with mom, always happens when we are together more than 24 hours. Both nights I woke up after sleeping 1 or 2 hours, first night (I hope I'm not conveniently recollecting here) at 03:44, and second, 03:43, because it was hot, and Doucett the cat was there, keeping me company, keeping me safe, and I got up, opened the curtains to let the morning light in, and tried to fall back asleep as soon as possible.
I didn't get back to the city as fast as I wanted, had to cancel two things, and then my sister Ali calls and informs me that her little band of friends are coming over Monday, not Tuesday, so then I lash out and yell at her thinking my last plan with have to go down the drain, too, meaning I let a third person down in one day, but that turned out ok, despite me & Evita being inclined to anti-socialism. They made banana-ice-cream cocktails, and we watched "Hannibal" together, after much debating. "The Blair Witch Project" failed as an original choice, so we were looking for more scary stuff, and Marta was going on about not liking fantasy, and my response was trying to conjure up an even more incredulous expression than the one that was already decorating my face, and her pinnacle of ingenious was this - "Bet piemēram - cilvēks lido - tas taču ir stulbi! Vai tev sagādā baudu skatīties, kā cilveki lido?"
Anyway, "Hannibal" was ingenious even if everyone was grossed out, and then Ali's friends proceeded to go back home, so Evita and I made maté and went up to continue or so called movie marathon. ('cause those don't usually work out as such) We decided on "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", after my computer finally agreed to stop bickering at everything. Best fucking movie I've ever seen.
And now, I'm making Evita wait as I vent by typa-typa-typing, so I should probably stop now. *giggles all around*
"Tas ir smieklīgi to lasīt." See, almost real-time now.

'stache

Yep. A mustache party. XD With twister. Followed by Monty Python and the Holy Grail, AND everybody freaking out over scary computer games. Brr.  We have a treasure trove of hilarious pictures. My friends are just too lovely. (:

And yesterday was also the day of the izlaidums of Kat, Linda, Kurmis, Antons, Griķis, Dundara..
A rare occasion to dress up. Rather enjoyed it, even if the waiting was supposedly boring everybody out of their minds. I also had the pleasure of meeting the elusive pixie Madara.

I'm off to the country with me mother. Cleaning an' shit. Gonna look about for a few long-lost books.

("Promising Light")

"..tugging your skirt, sayin' please, please, please.."

little lion girl

I thought I was calm and happy again. Well, I am, but I had a sudden burst into tears during my vocal lesson. Amusing, really.
*me, reading a rhythm exercise*
Inese - Emma, tev raudiens nenāk? Tev starp tiem da-duh trīc balss..
es - Nē..
*I read a bit more, and realize she's right, but what now? everything's alright..*
es - nē nu, vispār nāk, bet es nezinu kāpēc..
*and then tears started rolling down my cheeks. Heh. Afterwards I got to vent by singing Little Lion Man. She was right when she said "aktuāli." Sort of. mehmehemeh

I'm finding comfort all around. People and music, mostly. Literature. The weather. O.o
There was a sushi eve tonight. Emīlija & Linda, a soothing combination, I must say. I was hoping for the addition of a certain Madara I've met only once, but well, next time, then.
I think I'm settling into my life again. Or it could be called growing up. I hope not. Or...
Right now, I'm writing this sitting in Linda's lap, and she's nestling into my shoulder. Very sweet.

(Mumford & Sons - "Little lion man")

thanks

well, I guess I'm kind of relieved. maybe it took being a fool for a bit longer to make sense of something. I'm glad it's ok. And see, being a good girl and participating in that choir concert wasn't the best choice, after all, I did the right thing by letting myself ponder here, at home, and music is suddenly so unbelievably beautiful today, you cannot imagine.
These last two weeks have been a big thing. It's been a challenge, and it's kicked some understanding into me, or so I hope. I'm still carrying a relatively heavy pain in my chest, and it's going to take a while for it to go away, to melt into all the other feelings swirling around in there. I mean, I've been happy for so long. It's fucking weird. I was a miserable kid, and then I broke down and broke free and learned to be at first desperately, then genuinely happy with myself and my life, and then that became my life. Of course, there was all sorts of shit, but I'm guessing I kind of forgot about this kind of deep pain. I forgot how to get immersed in it, to get back at it. It took all of these things, the awful, awful choosing between people, getting betrayed, getting broken up with, having people mess with my head, me and my trust issues, going on self-and-other-induced guilt trips, reliving older fears, feeling like such a pathetically weak person, wanting to disappear and relieve everyone of this burden that is me, reaching out to others who have no desire of helping me deal with everything, or in turn fearing to reach out, afraid that they'll turn away. Everything sort of attacked me at once, and well, congrats, it worked. Full fledged hurt. But I don't think that less would've been enough.. 'cause it somehow wanted to bury itself in there and fester, I could not, for the life of me, scream it all out, sobbing, like I desperately wanted to. A couple of "burst into tears" that dried relatively quickly, the rest just slipped down to join the festering fest. I finally got to let go somewhat when I was just about ready to leave an apartment at about 3:30 in the morning, to slowly trudge in the direction of home while waiting for the first tram and talking to myself furiously the whole way. Convinced me not to go, and then you hugged me while I cried into your shoulder. Thank you.

And then, August - everybody.. "Yeah, I might have. I like how some bands have a particular air about them besides the music or lyrics they make."
That little sentence of yours made me go into another one of those thought cycles - you know, that feeling you associate with each person, they're personal thing, feel, emotion, their own personal emotion, hey, I like that.. auras, energy fields, maybe that, if you will. Whatever works. maybe it's just today that everything seems so pronounced.. Ah, how can I possibly relay all of this so you people understand exactly what I'm feeling here? It's impossible, I'd really want some way of temporarily looking into people's perspective of the world. Before long, so much would have been learned by simply feeling a certain way, everyone's consciousness would be connected, maybe we'd be a sort of loose beehive.

I think I need my own floating angel Lani to complain and cry to, give self-righteous monologues and  my weird theories about life to. These people seem to be switching all the time. Maybe I should be glad about that. I mean, it's mutual teaching/learning, making the world a slightly more experienced place. Just people. Too many nuances, so I just put it in one word, but, (especially over the net), that is not a good way to try and relay a complicated thought. I might be expressing some bizarre kind of appreciation for a lot of the people around my, ya know, the usual "thanks for existing/being my friends/being who you are" shit. But yeah, thanks.

(Classical Gas - Mason Williams)

Side note - Evita, forgive me, but I'm just thrilled to have someone to be a sort of mentor to. Makes me feel like I'm being useful to our dear Gaia here.

(and as pathetic as is it, a lot of what I type here I'd be unable to utter in real life. maybe I just can't gather my thoughts in the same way when I'm around people. so, forgive me if I bluntly offer to share my blog.)

good/bad/confused

Aah. Cretinous people. Innocent people. Clueless, arrogant, sweet, introvert, helpless, selfish, guilty, amazing, blundering people. Everyone around me is in some kind of weird vortex of problems, some more serious, some less, but well - this spring/summer is giving us all a good kick in the balls, or heart, whatever the circumstances call for. We're forced to take on or two steps back and rethink, rediscover, nursing the pain along the way.
I might have complained some time back about different worlds, or different parts of my life merging, as in everybody knowing f'in everybody, which means that the delicate strings holding up the separate kinds of people and places are all tangled up.. It seems, now, that is has come to a point where there is one big reality including almost everything, there are only a few other worlds of mine left, hidden either deep in my mind or in other countries. Of course, new ones are being born and/or introduced every day..
And what do you do - if taking that you, for instance, trust your intuition greatly - if you have an obligation that you're unwilling to fulfill, and are unsure if this unwillingness is your gut telling you it's a bad idea or if you're just being lazy again. There's always the option of waiting until it's too late and then going unprepared or not going at all, disappointing a few people (again), but escaping and working with yourself instead. Or could it be tiny past traumas working their way into your doubts and fears about it all?
And I feel like I'm rambling about the same stuff again and again, on and on, just changing the context and the general feeling of it all. Aah.

waiting

I've payed the dues, people
why won't you let me play the blues?
I've been promised, I know how
The dreams were so beautiful, but now
I've  been pushed to the ground
You're sayin' I'm my own hound
You're pressing down my fingers
The need to sing, much more than lingers
Get off, please, it hurts
Why'd you have to answer so curt?
You know I still love you all
Just don't, don't, I don't wanna fall
Fall back to the role of the psychotic girl
Who's talents were mostly to cower and hurt
Pathetic insults at to the laughs passing by
NO MATTER HOW I TRY
I'm still spiraling back, I'm in the past
You make a line, make sure I'm last
Get me out of this hell-hole, teach me to die
I already know how to lie
I already know how to tie
The knot of the noose 'round my neck
You'd think heart was beating, don't care to check
No, it never mattered, no, never
You said it was pleasant to cry in a fever
It is, you're right, but only if you're half sane
Unable to imagine breaking the chain
'cause colours are taboo these days
Sit me down and tell me to raise
My glass to the black face with gray eyes
Haunting my every waking dream, no need to pry
I've already told you all I got
You say I'm right, yeah, I know I'm not
I know I'm not, no, I've been shot
No longer so hot
When you're cold an' pale an' bleeding to death
And no other rhyme is better than 'breath'
Now let me finish and rest in peace
Escaping the stares, the love and the grease
Drippin' off you all, and you still don't notice
Nothing I feel will make you hear or see this
Teach me how to die
'Cause I already know how to lie



So goddamn naive, naive, naive, naive, naive

...

Then the truth came in, 
smiling as it stunk of gin
And the roof came down, 
they said they heard it all over town
And they all meant well, 
climbing from the depths of hell
And they're eyes shone red;
there was nothing more to be said

Pauses

the first lovely comment to my non-poem was "emo." At first that made me laugh out loud, but I guess I do see some resemblance to the usual black-tear-grief-stricken stuff.
And my May posts do seems rather sappy at the moment. ohboy

The 12 string rain dog will not be reading this.