lookit

I knew, yesterday, that I would be late for my vocal lesson. Not a conscious decision, not actually that much of circumstance, either, but I ended up being 20 minutes late, listening to my homework assignment on Monica (ze iPod) on my way there. But it was a good way of spending the morning, with Terēze being over and whatnot, and the lesson itself was nishe. Becaush.
That also ended up taking 20 minutes overtime, which was good, but that also meant that Kat had to wait for me at Index Cafe for a while, and hurrying over there (again, an unexpected and rather amusing encounter with the Rain Dog) was meh-y 'cause of the heat and my sweater thing, which would've supposedly banished the remnants of my illness, (which turned up uninvited and sudden one night, still lingering, *keh*), but Kat saved me, having brought my shirt she'd borrowed quite a while ago. I discreetly changed in the bathroom. :3 Murphy's law, though - it started raining, and the cherry tree.. well, just a moment, Kat decided to show me the blue tree that had been shown the her by "some hipster" - Reinards, and on the way I encountered a few familiar faces, including Barbara's, (we had passed her bike leaning against the wall of Hesburger's, it seemed, she called and demanded me to stop where I was and turn back, so I dragged us in there for a few minutes to catch up in that always slightly awkward way one acts around our dear Crane), and this one girl's who I'd seen once before, performing at Taka. Beautiful voice. Really.
(Yell at the heart on the wall. You must.) I guess I adore that hidden little place with the blue tree. It really is that kind of young-rebellious-soul-deep-thought-special-place. Yeah. That kind. Then, proceeding to Gus's place for the movie night, we passed a little cherry tree, and feasted a bit, eyeing the unreachables at the top. Walking along, Kat demonstrated her skill at tying a cherry stem into a knot, using only her mouth. Then I tried, succeeded, and we ended up going back to the tree to get more cherries but, more importantly, stems. That was when I decided it would be a good idea to climb this sharp-branched little tree to get at juicier stuff, so I did, smudging my white shirt in the process, but I got what I wanted.
The movie night was awesome, as are mostly all events at Gus's place, (Gus, Ali, Rob, Rudy, Jānis P. and me) including potato bands with potato members in various languages, me getting exited about bass, a bit of drama and drunken emotion, sleeping less and less for various reasons, The Fall, pancakes by Ali and burlesque, 50's and classical music in the morning, film-making inspiration, The Rhubarb Duck, proudly displayed on my leg, an extremely entertaining pen with a dangly thing, Bender the cat not being amused, weirdness all around.
TESSERACTS ARE NOT GENITALS
Two remaining things to mention - the very sour apple season has begun, and my fallen angel is no longer mine. Time, time, time..

(The Fall Opening Titles)

Whims. Whims everywhere.

freedom

I'm going to grow up to be a formidable woman.


Reflecting, I come again to foolish mistakes, cowardice, faltering, failing to do oneself justice, hesitating at opportunities. But then, I know, my friends. I know what I can do. I know what I feel. I also know the light I have already given. It's worth something.


And this moment of stable self-confidence will be looked back upon, I know not if with a sure smile or an unsure giggle. I hope for the former.

Only...

..someone who's, morally... superior could possibly.. and honestly deserve.. to rule my world. 


Pleasant day. Woke up at about 11 at Aigars' place after the party, sat alone in the kitchen for a while with my notes, then Aigars walked in, and we spent some time discussing japanese singers, weird covers and such, which led me to realize I absolutely had to show him Igudesman and Joo, and well, others woke up gradually, Kat & Ploriņš left in kind of a hurry, the rest of us did another round of Slender, me playing, those bastards. Was very funny, though.
After goodbyes, I spent some time in The Pagalms. Realized I'd missed the place. Guys, let's gather and go there some time. Like we used to.
I also met Elīna. Walked up to the Origo stage to wait for her, and guess who's there, if not the Rain Dog. Smiled at each other, and I paused "Naive", the Kooks, for easier conversation. Talked about this and that, and after a while, his phone rings, the ringtone being .. "Naive", the Kooks. (: Heh.
Talk with Elīna was easier than expected. Had a couple laughs, but the conversation didn't last long. And it started raining.
I need to take Kat to Rezonanse. That beautiful place.

Kings Of Frog Island - Laid/Witching Hour

a seemingly belated realization

And now, I'm wondering about one of the sentences most despised by children, namely - "you'll understand when you're older".. the agonizing truth, but not really. And the 'not really' is what makes it even worse, because wisdom both irrevocably appears and is gained, and is hopelessly lost on both sides. Both sides of age.

See, the little light of well, enlightenment, that came to me just a moment ago was that everything is material. In our minds. There is no selfless act. You feel pure sympathy for someone in pain, you smile at a loved one, you bring joy to those who had none.. All for yourself, for the ideals you have been taught, which you have learned, developed yourself. Whatever you do, it benefits something, or someone else.
Love, hate, fear, happiness, sorrow, grief, disappointment, passion, (also intelligence, skill) etc., it's all material. They are all tools we use. The curse of humanity, or of simply being alive? Having more instinct than anything surely simplifies it a great deal, but still. How can anyone be sure?
A.J. Roach - Bandolier

something's missing

It's one of those weird moments when my intuition? is telling me emma! emmaaa! Listen! you need to (..)! right now, it'll be too late soon! (..)!! Now, goddamnit!
Butr I don't know what it means! he/she is never specific about this stuff. argh
also, these are the times I tend to ignore time limits and do something utterly pointless until there's no use in going to whatever I have planned, and I end up telling everyone, including myself, that I'm going, but since my inner self is yelling at me, I waste all the time either just going derp or trying to find out what the hell I need to pay attention to. This is when I can't make sense of my brain.
Why won't you tell me what it is?? See, these intuitive (nyeegh) unsuccessful wake up calls are usually accompanied by a feeling of desperation. No fun. waastin everybody's time/
whhhhhh. life.liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife,

gggggggq

Well, hello, people. 
I have a choir concert tomorrow. Wish me luck. 

well, i guess this is fitting enough. easiest way to pour thoughts out. 
since you're not back yet..
Wish me the capability to get up in the morning. -.-
I didn't expect you to be so heartbreakingly honest about everything. or maybe you just share my view about some things more than other people, and that's why i see it more as the truth or something. egoistic. 

Hey, Kurmi, Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm. 
Hay, Emī, wow, fuck you, Sid. 
Hi, past Emma, your heart's a meeess.. 

Don't feel unequal, you do know it's just another thing. Something to get good at, another world, if you will, to experience. A rather emotional world. ah.
i probably had more to say.. but wesrhbfj i have a fucking dirty mind.

Emotional talks all over the place. Man, I needed that. 
I'm going to attempt to go to bed nao.

IT NEVER IS THAT SIMPLE.

i don't want to deal with people anymore.
"i don't wanna go, but I can't say I've had a good time... doing anything"
dealing. there are a couple of you who support, the few, you very few, and I love you most of all at the moment. The rest of the world can go on a vacation to hell.

http://www.purityringsongs.com/

future plans

I need to start making videos. I've wanted to for a looong time now, just haven't had the resources and means to, which is a shame. I think I'd enjoy it a lot.

I need to revive the little I had started with my project. Another one of the promises to oneself that slowly fade away and are forgotten in the end. 'm not gonna forget, nonono. I DID have a start, I had people, I had points to fill, I also had just about what we needed to begin. I didn't have time. We, we didn't have time. It's a group thing. Albeit, things have changed. Some of the people will not join. Rain dog, that means you.

I need to set myself straight. By which I mean complying to my own morals a bit more. I've been swaying.

I have to think ahead a bit more.. 'cause some deadlines are approaching. Mehmehmehfuckthesystem.

Gotta leave more time for the deep kind of thought. And books! More reading, dammit!

I need to stop faltering. That's what people do. They falter. In fact, that's one of the worst things one can do.

Oh, mom's home.

"I feel my mortality", she says.

stygg flicka

(Kaki King - "Night after Sidewalk (stereo)")

and the first thing I did

Gah. Is it necessary to tell the world anything?
Reactions, reactions, reactions.

Sometimes it's a call for attention, sometimes it's a place for confiding, sometimes it's a plea for help.

And sometimes, this silly little girl just doesn't know what to think.

Why would anyone do this?
Why would anyone do this
Why would anyone do
Why would anyone
Why would
Why

Some days leave you reeling. 

unexpected. out of the blue

yesterday..

..a visitor arrived about 2 minutes after I stumbled groggily from the bed to see what time it was. 

..I spent the entire day in Mežaparks, meeting Emīlija, her sister & cousin briefly, and taking a walk down to the lake. Hadn't been there for ages. 

..I realized a couple things about myself I would rather not have realized. 

..my mother broke her ankle, via stupid shoes and a slippery floor. She's currently in the hospital in Madona, with five fucking screws. She sounded more or less ok when I called.. I just hope she's really alright.

And today, in the early hours of the morning, Rob called, intoxicated, Kass in the background. He was asking for a girl's number. And our dear, dear Kass just succeeded in making me furious at him again. 

My windowsill tends to be very comfortable when there's a need for grumbling about something. Especially at night, the air tends to be green-smelling and moist. And I wouldn't trade that view for a million.

Spiders

Re-discovered the smiling limpet.

Simple, yet nice.

(two spiders)

notes

Agh. So many reminders. What is my mind. There are probably several very good and undesirable reasons for this.
Did you know that Charles Manson was also a song-writer?

(Charles Manson - "Sick City" remastered)

I met both Kurmis and Kat on the last day before the go away for a while. Oh well. Met Bear, too. Had a conversation with a 10 year old about him wanting to play with a baseball bat and some guts, and Odiozs and I spent some time at his place watching videos about mentally deranged people. Pretty informative.