Right now, I want to be the clean and pure being that gives unconditional love to everyone and everything. At peace with myself and all else. 'Cause, I've learned how to make mistakes, which, coincidentally, is a very good thing to have learned, and now, what I'd like to do is make up for the guilt and pain and possibly fear that remains, (although there is not as much as there has and could have been), and basically just try to make everybody break out of their circles of stress and sorrow, open certain eyes to what is around and inside us, etc. I suppose this didn't have to sound as sappy, but it's honest.
I, still being kind of a social chameleon, have adapted a very round-about way of looking at things, namely, from all angles. Sometimes, though, these things can get a bit confusing, when people of a certain view might misinterpret the freedom I've adapted from people of a different view. And then, there are so many "just in case" scenarios (sort of only in our own heads, buut, no, experience fails you only that much). None of this would really be necessary if people really, truly trusted each other. Which, last time I checked, is impossible, except in the case of a few good people you choose to keep close.
(Although I even speak in a round-about way, leaving loop-holes and not really sticking to any side too much, except for the things I'm either very certain or passionate about. But still, Taylor Mali, I envy you, you and your brilliant poetry.)
And sometimes I get confused about whether some choices I make are because of what I really want to do because I think it's right, or if it's because it's a necessary action to keep the respect of the friends I deem as worthy of it themselves. Maybe it's the same thing. (And I have (sort of) gotten the hang of ignoring blatant prejudice. But am I prejudiced about prejudice?) But probably not always. I'm glad, in a way, to escape from these little webs for a while, I do think the trip will clear my head somewhat.
There is still so much I want to say, but, as many will testify, most of the time I just can't formulate my thoughts in a way that will sufficiently make my point. I'm a master at mumbling and bumbling.. Though I do seem to be doing a better job, here, in my blog, than in real life conversation.
Also, TIME, my lovely pet peeve. I very much dislike making people wait, most of the time, but only because I do so often. See, there's a time for everything, and there are many moments when something seems just right, but then I find myself trapped in the middle of multiple crossways, almost all of which would be totally worth it and immensely enjoyable. (See, even now, I have to run down to help Tery make cookies.) But a lot of the times, I guess, it's just me either stalling for whatever reason or being trapped in the lovely happenings of others and being obligated to this and that, blahblahblah
Another things is that I'm afraid, a lot of times, to go out there and make a stand for myself. A lot of times it seems much easier to hide in a corner, or simply neglect. There are times when I should have just grit my teeth and taken the responsibility upon my shoulders (but see, even writing this is sort of a challenge, hard to admit, you see), and other times when I should have been much more careful with people's feelings, causes and consequences, and I need to stop fooling myself when I already sort of know the outcome, and especially when I can still change it myself, but leave it to the other person to decide, 'cause I'm all helpless, aren't I? Short, cute, and naíve. (Actually, I can be scarily good at disillusioning myself deliberately to make life easier or more right.. This has only happened at very few instances, abut they have happened, and, they still linger..)
Another thing about friends and respect, I can be afraid to share what I'm excited about, what actually makes me tick, for fear of laughter or rejection. I'm kind of a weak person inside at a lot of moments. I know, all too well what it actually feels like to be rendered helpless by your own feelings, mostly fear and/or shame, but this knowledge is not an excuse when it is not the actual case.
I also have this stupid, nagging little worry about egoism, to the point that I count all the times I've used "I" and "me" in a paragraph and feel ashamed. Does me worrying about it prove that it? And while I consider myself a pretty good person, does that prove it even more or does it just mean that I'm not failing most of my own standards? If I would fail most of those standards and acknowledge it, would that somehow be more justified? - And that's how the little voice in my head goes on and on.
And the talking to myself - what the fuck? Even though it's my understanding that most people do, it's still weird, 'cause what I do is imagine these situations, mostly conversations with other people, how I'd like the outcome to be, and just fill in my part of this talk vocally, instead of in my head. Little fantasies, I guess.. we can all dream, we all should dream, without being worried how it influences our fucking karma! Jezusmaria, I can be really paranoid.
And now that this post has gotten rather extensive, I think I'll just lead it to it's not-so-delicate end. (The cookies are rather good.) Goodbye, everybody, I suppose I'll miss you all very much.
*
(Veryvery not-shallow title - calm down, though. Like you said, you're getting nothing out of that state. Be assured - I do my very best to keep my promises. You're one of them.)
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